Distances ,I Quit !

I am here, you're there

we are far apart.

I struggle to keep this relationship, regardless of what I'm put through.

You dont bother, even calling ...

I call, I message, I PING yet...no replys

a day passes...

another day passes....

I become insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity

and

.

.

.

.

.

a month passes....waiting. 

One day, i contact you, from another number,

" I got your work done, just get here as soon as you can." I sound the same, happy .

' yeah, thanks so much. ' you sound the same, not bothered.

and one fine day - 

we meet.

we live. we laugh. we love.

and....

one fine day, I Quit. 

I quit because I'm tired. 

Because - I failed to love you , I failed to put you and I together.

>
>
>
>
>
and another starry night, in our 1 BHK apartment - I bid goodbye , forever I QUIT !

“I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.

I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.”
― Jane Austen, Persuasion 

it wasn't because i didn't love you, it wasn't because i couldn't love you....it was because despite all I could've ever done - I Failed to love you, to be your girlfriend and therefore i struggled to breathe and now .....I wont trouble you any longer.

Dasvidaniyan !

Screams of the shadow

Some catastrophic moments invite clarity, explode in split moments: You smash your hand through a windowpane and then there is blood and shattered glass stained with red all over the place; you fall out a window and break some bones and scrape some skin. Stitches and casts and bandages and antiseptic solve and salve the wounds. But depression is not a sudden disaster. It is more like a cancer: At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day -- wham! -- there is a huge, deadly seven-pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. Depression is a lot like that: Slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won't even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.

In my case, I was not frightened in the least bit at the thought that I might live because I was certain, quite certain, that I was already dead. The actual dying part, the withering away of my physical body, was a mere formality. My spirit, my emotional being, whatever you want to call all that inner turmoil that has nothing to do with physical existence, were long gone, dead and gone, and only a mass of the most fucking god-awful excruciating pain like a pair of boiling hot tongs clamped tight around my spine and pressing on all my nerves was left in its wake.

That's the thing I want to make clear about depression: It's got nothing at all to do with life. In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorrow, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal -- unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature's part (nature, after all, abhors a vacuum) to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead.

And the scariest part is that if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, 'Gradually and then suddenly.' When someone asks how I love my mind, that is all I can say too - author unknown

The Animal

In the turmoil, there's an animal
the animal is in the turmoil
he gasps , and gasps more
he passionately gasps , furiously gasps
he moves in rythmatically, and moves in a rythmatical pace
he calm down
and turns into an angel again
once again, he scrapes me within

What I termed as Love!

When I realize where I stand in this part of the world, I feel so little to be me. How could I dare say - control and gain power.
after many many many days, i concluded that sun signs didn't have to match with a person's personality- thay could be vunerable to a million things like anybody else. Only basic traits match, nothing specific.
What I termed love was somehow crazy, too sweet and yet crazy !

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun 


I said, with some gleam in my eyes 

" isnt it a beautiful quote ?"

' maybe it is ' he said
he leaned down and looked at her lifeless face and  kissed her , soft and true on her lips. she tasted dusty and sweet. she tasted like regret in the shadows of trees and in the glow of the anarchist's suit collection. he kissed him long and soft, and when she pulled herself away, she touched his mouth with her fingers...She did not say goodbye. She was incapable, and after a few more minutes at his side, she was able to tear herself from the ground. It amazes me what humans can do, even when streams are flowing down their faces and they stagger on...
“When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time -- the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes -- when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever -- there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”
― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany  

One day , I suddenly realized...that nobody lives for anybody. They live, laugh and love for themselves. They forget the times . The memories erase away and some fine beads of shrilling silence sets its birthmark upon your eye. It baffles me when I try to differentiate between reality and uncertainty- growing up after all isn't all that beautiful . Why do relationships fall apart? why do people lose the human touch ? just why ?
everyone does someday fall in love with something, why isn't there any more sincerity ?
I shiver and shiver and shiver all night....lay in a single bare sheet, under his chizzled neck line ; a smell of Ralph Lauren's cologne  over me, around me , in me . why do we love? and then go our ways? why cant we be friends who never depart until death? why is there death? why do we become like the 2 banks of river- that never meet yet run along .why do they love this much, seep down and then smack you awake?
“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel 
They grind u , churn u and cripple the tiniest bit of u...they leave nothing but fine white sand , which could hardly be felt if it cut through your face. love never dies a natural death, it dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. it dies of illness and wounds;it dies of weariness,of witherings ,of tarnishings.And one day, before the final solution- your enitre life flases before your eyes. How do I manage to know and live and be fearless if I knew I loved you ?

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time.”
― Haruki Murakami

In my part of the world, at the dead of the night and 4 papers tomorrow...I agressively sit down to solve one such thing , one question - What did I term 'Love' as ?

reading millions of books, articles , view points and listening to billions of stories. I haven't really been sure what love is all about.If it's the sunshine or dark clouds or is it what i have based my mental theories on?
Love to me is/ was / shall be :

• friendship
• fellowship
• laughter

What makes u known to such duality of life is when u know , that darkness isnt the absence of light ; its not the absence of sunshine but the absence of 'him' .

Nothingness isnt the absence of god, its a dilated belief.

Heat isnt the absence of cold , it's the absence of his laughter and that warm hug after a long day's work .

  So would it matter, if the life filled with mediocrity ? 
oh god !


Probably, i should go to sleep now .

Slog and Slog More !

It's been days, exams ain't ending and I'm drowsy to large extent ....today, hours before a 'PM' session of math exam, I'm all lazy.
In just a few days,

• gallons of coke, a black pious liquid has flown is all the veins of my body
• hundreds of mugs of dark black poisonous coffee has seeped into each brain cell  
• study table now seems like my bed, so seductive it is !
• millions of papers filled with millions of sums and theories
• Hair, all un-ruley and dry ..mismanaged daily routine...
• dark circles, 3 hours of sleep is heavenly
• loss of social networked life 

Im drained out, and this drainage shall go on for 5 more months and yet more until Im dead in the coffin of books !!
Ughhhh!!!!
Thanks to all these factors, I forgot to wish mom & dad , their anniversary ! :(

The Fellowship of the Ring

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”

The FEAR !

I held the reciever clse to myself, as if i'd hug it tight , so I could prevent the other end from hearing my tears roll down . I held back a massive strom of tears, a loud scream and a silent prayer. After all, I was still a kid. and growing up isn't the best thing that happens in reality.
 I was Anjali Brar; 22 years and a half ; 5.3 feet tall ; extremely fair in indian terms ; averagely intelligent in terms of dad ; people said i had a beautiful smile ; a cute nose and deep eyes; light brown wavy hair, normally straightened ; I smelt like jasmine perfume ; I think I could reasonably write well and I loved indian chiclet fiction.
Four years ago ...
"Mom please try and understand, i'm busy ...can we talk later about this ?"
' you always avoid this topic , you've changed. What's wrong ? beta? '
Line disconnected

4 years ago, I came to the city of dangerously rich and famous people - London Central . I came here with the man I loved the most and had come a long way with . Unfortunately, the city i believed would give me what I fought for ...took away everything from me. I left me, breathless !

2 am ....
'Im home' I announced as I entered our 3 BHK dumpyard after a long day . Suprisingly, there wasn't a reply . Well then, maybe the man had been off to snooze.
Sharan Seth ; chizzled features; exactly 6 feet tall ; fairly fair; large brown eyes ; neat crew cut ; 24 years old ; superbly intelligent; Had a heartwarming smile and smelt like Woods for men . His very presence was enough to flatter you in the same room . But suprisingly, he loved me- the petite woman of substance.

I entered the room slowly nad locked the door behind me , changed and got into the warm quilt where Sharan snorred . I was tired yet not sleepy , I lay with my tired eyes open and silently waited till i could fall asleep. However, 2 hours had gone now...it was time Sharan woke up and woke me up for weekend to-do's . I lay still . and tears rolled .
For what they rolled ...even I didn't know . I closed my eyes now .

7 am ....
a silent whisper turned into a cold hug.
"Ugh...you're cold Sharan "
He woke me up with a mug of black poison ( black coffee) and I swallowed it down, feeling hevenly .
the day followed regular household shopping, laundry and cleaning and some more cleaning after some studying.

One year later...
January 21st
'sharan, wake up...'  I whispered and hugged the warm or rather comfortable manly chest .
It was regular working day ...classes.....snooze...classes...dinner shopping...home...work...back home ...studying....and finally it was 2 am again .
Sharan walked out in his classic lose tee and shorts with a smirk on his face.
we had a cheerful dinner and yet something forgotten ....well it went by anyway .

4 am ...
I look up from my notes and a fat book. Sharan says good night. Oh god ! he seriously didn't remember ? Well, then he must have forgotten, he normally never forgets my birthday .

4. 15 am
I walk to the closet , and remove a small paper bag ; carefully opened it . It had a mini birthday card and novel - The inhertence of loss by Kiran Desai . The card said - Happy Birthday, love Self !

4.17 am
i wiped my tears and went back to my books

4.20 am ...
i thought it was better to sleep now.

9 am ...
' good morning ...' I hugged sharan with all the love and fought back my tears. i should understand, he must've forgotten or pretended ?
' good morning love , why are you all clean and ready ?'
'ummmm...just going to get some coke and other house items . Are u coming? '
' nah! we'll go to westminister abbey today . i'll just get done with my work till then '
' okies , see y a!'
and i walked out smiling.

12am ...
heavy rain ...
slow music...
And I settled myself after plastering our study wall with sharan and my pictures , some family pictures and some random snapshots . Basically , it was done beautifully ...i worked on it for 2 months  u know.

knock knock, the door went. I rose to open the door and sharan walked in drenched.

After a while....
Sharan walked to the study where I was busy crafting a frame and hardly took notice of his presence.
" Im sorry, I very very  sorry , I ....I forgot your birthday . Look what I got you ."
He put a sleek band around my left ring finger, beautiful it was. I smiled, we kissed and made love ...all night long !

Another year later....
' Sharan ...wake up ...pleaseeeee. Wake up ... !' I screamed whisperingly .
' it's a bloody sunday , go back to back to sleep  Anji '
' Sharan...I ...I...am ..preg...pregnant...wake..up ' ...my voice trailed off .

3 days passed, we didn't talk; i got an abortion ; and he left .

7 months after a fugly break up ....

tic tac tic tic ...my phone beeped. I looked up from my novel .
it was a message from an unknown number . I checked it curiously .
it said ' Look outside you door, in the cafe ...Im waiting. Please, meet me once '
I walked up to get my coat and see this person , as if a ghost entered in me .

' Sharan ' I was shocked and asked him to walk home with me . we chatted for a while and past was cleared. I had grown up to be a woman...maybe full of longing. I was a stern , stone hearted woman who suddenly melted down to sharan's smile.

" you think you were right, and I think i did the right thing . U left, Bitch ! " i walked towards the wash room, fighting my tears until i could shut the door but just then ...

I did shut the door that day, I kissed him...and we made love after long !

he hugged me tightly, it was cold dewy morning . It felt as if he missed me like a kid lost in woods. I was sick of whatever had I gone past and now I wanted freedom .

I freed myself from the embrace and walked down to the kitchen , to slit my wrist.
 and before i knew, i wrote -
Dear
Mom - you got what u wanted, and now please let me go .
Sharan - I love you, yes i do but now...i can't break in any more tinier peices. Im sorry
Bhai- I hope you understand, I hope u love me , I hope you'll forgive me someday .
God- Im sorry, I gave up on your faith and myself. Im sorry !
yours ,
Anjali Tiwari

* sigh *

Maybe growing up isnt a beautiful journey,it teaches you the hard way of understanding what reality is, because reality itself is uncertain.Im not sure what is scaring me, i dont know what's hurting me . all i know is, that I cant hold back the tears any longer. The worst thing you'll accept - is the fear of breathing. The fear of living . The FEAR of being !

The Devil is in the detail !

A night before the HistoryDepth Study exam....yeah mehn..Post world wars crap by Germany Paper was freaking me out . I felt as if my entire body froze before I could sit down to revise . I guess I've holidaying too much.
20 mins of serious revision....
beep beep....beeeeeep

ugh ...its whatsapp
Bhai...okay what ?
He has an issue of making me miss him, being evil and making me miss him more ....when I miss him the most.
He's my elder brother right? so its not supposed to go that way ? but He's my BROTHER....how could i've forgotten that.
The never tired soul....ready to make me giggle even if i was mad at him for making me mad.

Beep...beep....some more beep....
it was random this time.
Ummm....am i supposed to look at my phone ? like it's  u know ...calling me ?
No i cant
gotta study...study....ugh...cant *check the beep monster*
................blank i am

The thing is, that no matter how goal oriented you are ...something does always distract you in it. May be
failure
love?
ummm....nothingness?
the Big picture disappears and the details....they are more important. ....so where did the pressure lie?
in between or was the devil walking straight to slit my throat?
Oh...god

Back to books I guess....cant do this to the poor exam !

Birthday ???

It -4 outside...Im packing crazily to board around 4 am.....everyone's packing actually. Suddenly the packing is over and everyone asleep . Its all foggy outside....

• its about 11.55 pm
• Im not excited, rather tensed
• my leg muscles cramping
• disconnected from the surrounding, I'm reading HT city 

about 11 minutes later....
My alarm goes ....singing a lame song. Who could it be , bhai for sure !
everyone has forgotten something....i was 18 now
i get back to a call...who doesnt remember what's being missed out
i stay calm
some more calm.....
and.....
breakout....tears....followed by prayers.

I go to sleep , in confusion.

some hours later, i hear a faint voice..."flight's canceled" . I nod and go back under the quilt.

The day passes....eating out, meeting people, shopping.....sleeping !!!

it's 11.55 pm of the 4th of january, nobody still remembers .
 and .....
suddenly, bhai does.....
bubble blasts. Bhai remembered. I cry in emotion !!!

 What the fuck was special about being 18 , so everyone forgets your presence.

i hate birthdays !!!!!

i hate them since i was 5, and will hate them till im 500

Bah! Birthday !!!

Accepting ...

In the middle of an exam night, Im blank all suddenly. I feel a disconnect. A novel , about 2 days ago...later shook me from top to toe.
Need i have facebook?
Need i blog more?
Need i love back?
less than 8 hours to 2 fat exams.....fuckin'  drowsy !!!

I guess, i should go back to books.

Because =

• truth revealed
• instinct proved right
• disconnect felt
• break up, a fugly break up
• heart broken now
• and 5 sets of exams to give
• burning tears 
• best friend cheated
• tried....some more trial....cant breathe like this ...need sleep
• fucked up  fugly mood
• uncertainty

 True, failure isn't that bad...accepting it , is horrifying !

Budapest university wasn't away for light years...months away!!
and I'm doing nothing to be there....oh lord !

Fucking drowsy....less than 8 hours before 2 fat exams.
I guess I should get back to books..... *sigh*

A silent prayer

Dear God,
Are you listening ?
I'm sure you are listening....are you?

What I saw and heard today was not true...it was crap...childish behaviour.
Love is arelative term,It flies out of the window one day. it's a sin.It makes and breaks;it makes everything fall apart. I've virtually stopped in beliving in it. i hate myself for believing it even once.I dont want to be the perfect daughter,wife or mother....i want to be me, who messed up most of the time yet happy and cheeky. Why is that so hard to comprehend?
"Do what you dream"
Dream?
Does it mean anything?
ugh .....

I've an 3 papers in less than 24 hours, i haven't studied a bit ...Im totally blank.
I have so much to do.
Im tired
I just wanna get out of here.....Bloody **-ing lousy crap .
I just wanna go home !
Where's home?
where the hell are you?
*
*
*
*
*
Dear god,
Im sure u are there,
are you?

*oh god * ( echo)

A Tear and Smile

*all words Echo*
Dear God
I know I dont talk to you often.I know I dont talk to 'them' either,even though they go out of the way for the same thing not to happen. I know I haven't been the best human being around. I haven't valued relationships;I haven't been the ideal daughter to him;I haven't resiprocated the love i feel but dont express to her. I know Im not exactly what you may define as a 'friend'. I know Im living an escapist's life,which to others is a reason of envy and to me is a reason of failure. To the people here, Im a great writer of make up artist things and the doer as well yet only I know how lonely and insecure I feel within me. . I know, honestly I know nothing. But still Im wrong somewhere. I know love is best unsaid , but should hopes diminish?
Somestimes silence becomes the the most excruciating sound,like deafning;sometimes the mind becomes a musical symphony of clouded thoughts,questions and clarifications but the vocals fail to present the sound of a conversation.Im sure you're  listening, even thought this letter will go with 10 other odd letters in the dressing drawer. Even though I'll never ever stop khol-ing my eyes . But still, I feel there's a lot unsaid; a lot unforgiven and a lot un-done.
Dear god,
Im sure you're listening, mom says so...you answer our prayers.
Im sure you're listening ...to the devil -angel
Im sure...you..are..........Are you?

*Note: a letter from the 11 odd letters, not a fancy vocab-full letter. Just planin, just written calmly.