My Lasts

I walked silently in the little area of my room, wondering about the shoes I should wear to graduation dinner at Sheraton Towers & Suites. Just then, I came across a pair of black flamanco block bellies; riddled memories came back and forth in just a moment. The desperation to let anyone know the reason for ur indifference is when, there's a proximity of love, not in it nor without it . I have stood in it's proximity for the longest season I can remember where minutes shall change to years; I stand there in the hope of tomorrow to be a warm summer morning.Much of it has caused me to write like Haruki Murakami & other indian fiction writers but, I posses a promise in mine. I have grown distant enough to remember nothing in less than 30-40 seconds, yet I shall try.
Although the scenes from last few nights, fall in places like jigsaw peices and lay unsettled, I shall draw curtains of silence for a while. When I look at my ring finger, the black band on it marks my absence to singularity but somehow, today, the ring felt uncomfortable & wrong on my left ring finger.I felt an absurd desperation for silence & isolation yet a mood to scream. I carried a sombre mood the entire day, but one particular memory came flooding back - Longing. The time, however,an impending release had compelled me to stay back. My mood seeped down to those depths of depression, where I steped into a steep valley & asked the almighty of it's height. Right, in the cubicle of my mind's blurred memory, sat a longing for friends, love and social culture. I have always been the isolated thiving character to live as cheerfully as possible but somewhere inside patterns of my analysing power, I fail to pretend more. Therefore, I'm going to do what I love the most- Read & write. The emotion 'proximity of love and not love' is nothing but a deeper effect of injury where I quote "Sometimes the heart and mind have plebisites upon the fact that who is fairer than the other, in between there's a piece called mind- absoutely confused. These fragments peirce through the emotion and tear apart those walls. There are 2 banks of the river but water flows on both sides so the middle is the mind and that's where is the void. Isolation is sometimes the only right thing to do and maybe I shall . Sometimes throwing urself in the claws of work,study and other parts where there's no love, will help heal those cuts. Those, that formed decades ago- My Lasts."
Despite my stoic belief that in Love, everything falls apart. My stark memories and practical analysing powers force me to believe the fact that it's the only thing in the world that will keep me happy, even though I haven't come across one single happy -in-love couple. The tiniest tinge of tears hasn't stopped for a while, what's this all about ?
I sometime get stuck in the hooror of wonders i.e. why does the sorrowful shadow follow me .No matter how hard but these tears don’t seem to stop for a millisecond, they have to fall as if they were rain after a drought. How hard could it be?   it’s tougher  than  expression  , it’s tiring than the last breath of suffocation , it’s harder to even explain now ….why is this haunting me time and again ? Why is it making me fall apart again? Why is that ’someone’ so Merciless?Sometimes, untold stories are best kept, though the color, fragrance and time fade away but the effect still holds strong in its place.I have forgotten what’s called being truly happy, I have forgotten about the happiness in me. ‘Somebody’ stole it and I could never find it ever again. Everyday I’m haunted to bits by these little monsters and all I can say is, I have nothing to say …that ‘somebody’ has grown so mighty in this era that he renders me speechless. But life still continues …maybe tonight is another night where the mood was drowned in syrup of despair and a crackle of ‘somebody’s doing’.

“ Love is much like a Wild Rose , beautiful and calm, ready to draw blood in it’s defense “

Now,Being with them I feel a pain, like a frozen knife stuck in my chest. An awful pain, but the funny thing is I'm thankful for it. It's like that frozen pain and my very existence are one.
The pain is an anchor, mooring me here.Even though love cannot save u from ur fate; to wither and decay, decopose and disintrigrate; for pain and salvation only time seperates. I didn't think I was in a morbid mood, but it appears I am. My mind goes round and round trying to figure things out, but I always come back to the same two things: Loneliness and Death. Life ends before we figure anything out, most importantly how not to be lonely. Solitude is fine. But feeling like you have no one to love - abject lonliness - is not alright.Even though I thought, to love is to be vunerable but To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.Where there's a longing for that 'somebody' -Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

The trail of my subsequent thoughts will continue to get re-editied as more people cut throught their way. There's been Trial & error and Much longing for love. Now I shall just isolate myself and throw myself in the claws of life , for once.

Unsettling Fear

Months and Days pass in split seconds, how I wish I could just live one more time .
Over an year ago, I loathed over everything from my physical appearence to my daily routine. I wished, I had 'another chance'.
Today, when I stand in the proximity of love,undaunted ; that 'another chance' to reform what I was losing, I realise what I'm going to miss the most.Things have become fragmented, much like my thoughts. I realise that budding fear inside me. A land which I have addressed home, calls today ; I being the fearless female run to it . What is that fear all about then? Heartbreak? I sometimes question my faith or shall I call it belief - what on earth makes me write love stories? when I truly believe there's nothing of that sort . When I know, the love is nothing but madness of its own kind which, no sooner dies. What is it then, pulling me towards it; making me quote about it and shaking my faith?
Present day, I diguise much of that smile. I have known for a long time now  that there's nothing to loath about. There's nothing to be hankering about. Fragments shall stay & occupiers shall beast out in the wilderness, leaving you in between that octave. I don't hold the philosopher's stone nor do I believe that I'm a phoenix but I'm just a woman in the the most questionable state of mind who wishes to relinquish that fear . The call before storm, before I decide to become a Shawnee . Tosh!

Another Conversation

A random female - Why is there, warmth in the writing of indian authors and not others? ugh !

A sensible man - we are what we are, from where we come from". even though we fight as "argumentative Indian", our root of thoughts is from the same gramaphone with similar sound wave.

Dreaming out

you'll have dreams, rigid annoying ones. then, u might wonder why are they even there.
They exist because , somehow they must come true, take u through some misery to let u realise how much and how often can u climb a mountain. Being positive isn't an option , it's must. Maybe, the only way to ur actual 'Dream' !

Flirtatious

No, not sadistic. She just craved pure. Just pure.
Joy, was flirtatious. Expected her attention. Kept playing games, she could not play. But sorrow was all hers. Eternal.
A void that filled another, smaller one. Or bigger.
She did not care.

Despair, is it ?

There will be times of despair, utter despair. There will be times of utter sadness but if u have survived through then u have stood for long enough like an age old banyan tree.

The Coldest Night

One cold night , When the moon smiled half .I stepped out in white satin and lace, the floor froze my feet, tingled it rather more. I look down to thecold white marble , hard yet tingling. It had two water beads on it, salty water beads. i touch them, they go away. From my feet to my knees, I sit down , bowed into a prayer.
" Dear God.." I say. I choke.

" Dear God,
I don't know why..." I choke again .

" Dear God,
I dont know what to ask for, I'm in some sort of Deep Frozen Thought, I'm Scared. I need help. " I choke a little more."

I sit that night, in lace and satin , my face cupped in my cold fingers , as if I were a little baby about 9 months old.

Basically, I looked out in the wild, and wondered if there was any innocence I could put back in time, stiched it in my outfit and wear it away till I could breathe . I awaited another morning !
*sigh*

Falling In Places

There are things that u'll randomly think about. One of thoe random things will stick in ur head. Those will be called: there are things that'll stick in ur head ,they'll last a moment. And no sooner, u'll want to live that moment for a lifetime. Life happens at random, planning to much will mess it up. Let life happen ! :)
The proximity of finding the perfect man has fainted by the day. Nevertheless,all u can do is hope or simply sit with a novel and mug of coffee on a very rainy day,till all anger & agony disappears.

Love and Randomness

9pm on a random Sunday
I say ,with firmness-

Love will happen this way , it's just be in a split of a second and it'sll be the most beautiful thing ever . But then u have gotta remember, it's possible u might fall out of it and get hurt , the proximity of such to happen is more vunerable in this era. If u fall out, u'll fall back in and if not , then life goes on .It's meant to be that way, it's what preps u up for the battles to come and storms to pass by. There will always be two options before u , either u give and behave as if nothing shall happen again or walk on as if such things happen all the time and life will go on no matter how ugly has it to be . Such is love & it's after math !

Another man with some deep thought - 

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inco...nceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away...

I say, again - You know , what ...bah ! whatever.

(while thinking, 'Out of words , aren't I ?' )

LOST AND FOUND

" have u seen my phone records Neena, they are just outgoing calls and hardly any incoming ones! " Anushka made a sullen face and slammed a pile of bills on the floor.
Anushka, a young charming graduate from Mumbai university and Neena, her room mate and friend. Anushka came down to Mumbai for graduation apart from the fact that she had a bowl of silver to eat in , she wanted plain brass. So it was, her dad gave her what she wanted.
In a small single room flat, somewhere in Juhu Mumbai ...the story happened.

" what is it with u behaving all boring again Anu, go flirt somewhere please" Neena tried to cheer her up but maybe she had lost charm. She smiled lightly and replied with whatever, her pet word.

# 4 years ago @ Mumbai International Airport , met 2 people for whom Anushka had left her big dreams and big things . Anushka and Aman met .
As planned , Aman worked in the same area and Anushka studied . Life was sweeter than ever, who could imagine such a thing and make it happen . Love after all is a devil thing, it kills , halucinates, breaks and tears u apart and then brings it magic into ur life but here it all happened without any of this . Anushka, a loner , a cheeky female found love and came all the way for him but some people don't value it, some do and give their best and some leave it half way.
Anushka and Aman lived together, ate together, laughed together and had the most beautiful moments and today stood like random darkness where the memories became distant enough that it took nearly 30 seconds to remember anything about that time .
Life moves on, their's did but ...
Present Day @ 12 am outside Barista , 2 people meet again by accident...
" OH ! MY LUCIFEROUS LOVE , LA LA LA" Anushka sang in a loud drunk tone and banged into an old old page of life, Aman .
" what ? are u blind? " she said, drunk .
" Im sorr...Anu? What ? How are u ?" Aman recognized her pretty well in her drunk state and this time outside Barista where he waited for morning so he could go back home on a bus and she wandered out of agression, of her 1 year breakup aniverssary .
" AMAN KHANNA? U ? What ...? Im good , but what the hell r u doing here ? In mumbai ? And why outside barista at night?why didn't u call me ? Mad or what? " She shot questions like a bomber plane at war and wanted answeres as swift .
" I.. I dont know, i'm okay I think . And I have nowhere to go. i came down for work but my stuff got stolen so here I am ." He replied with a true libran spirit .
" come , let's go home " She pulled him in a cab and went home . They chatted all night, had liters of coffee and littered  laugh . One, that Neena had missed after her break up. But what was going on here? She was falling for the same guy who left her for his dreams , where she didn't just matter . Neena feared another heartbreak but couldn't touch her fragile smile.
" So Aman, ur working in Mumbai, and ur telling me that u haven't forgotten the pat yet. Are u in love with me ? still ? I dont believe u on this ! I dont , at all " She firmly stood up , half tired after night's activity yet softened at the word 'love' .
" I am Anu, Im sorry I left you but I need u . Trust me. " He desperatly said, as if it had stayed in him for a longer than forever time period.
 " Aman, stay here till ur company accomodates you a flat ." she said, flatly and left.
For the next 2 weeks there were hardly any words exchanged and expressions did all the talking. One sunday night, when Neena had been out at her mausi's and Aman was home alone,Anushka came in, in a state of breaking down and hugged him tightly .
" what happened Anu? Are u allright my dear ? " He anxiously asked
Anushka, a lava of emotions was now breaking out.
" NO! I'm not OKAY. What do u think Aman? what do u all think ? Am I not a human being ? Don't I need anybody . Don't I get hurt or what?
I do, I'm really hurt . My name means gracious and I have smiled graciously for so bloody long. Has anybody ever told me, they need me or called me up to find out if I am alive or not ? NOBODY AMAN KHANNA. All I need was love, what have just done to anybody ...I ...I am ...I am So tired.." She screamed uncontrollably and broke down into a massive tear outbreak in his arms.
" Iam sorry love, I need you . Im here" He hugged her and kissed her forehead.

3 months later...
" do u hear that ? it's raining" he whispered to her . She didn't respond. She lay clinging to him, absent mindedly drawing invisble geometrical figures on his bare chest . he looked at her with a surprise, her face glowing in the darkned room. She smiled at him, faintly.They locked their lips and bodies once again and rolled over, tampling upon the guilt bug that was lurking on the bed.

Anne Frank

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”

“No one has ever become poor by giving.”

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.”
“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”
“I don't want to have lived in vain like most people. I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I've never met. I want to go on living even after my death!”

“In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit.”
“Human greatness does not lie in wealth or power, but in character and goodness. People are just people, and all people have faults and shortcomings, but all of us are born with a basic goodness.”
“Although I'm only fourteen, I know quite well what I want, I know who is right and who is wrong. I have my opinions, my own ideas and principles, and although it may sound pretty mad from an adolescent, I feel more of a person than a child, I feel quite indepedent of anyone.”
“Earning happiness means doing good and working, not speculating and being lazy. Laziness may look inviting, but only work gives you true satisfaction.”

“Anyhow, I've learned one thing now. You only really get to know people when you've had a jolly good row with them. Then and then only can you judge their true characters!”

“There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity.”
“People can tell you to keep your mouth shut, but that doesn't stop you from having your own opinion.”

“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!”
“Ever since I was a little girl and could barely talk, the word 'why' has lived and grown along with me. It's a well-known fact that children ask questions about anything and everything, since almost everything is new to them. That is especially true of me, and not just as a child. Even when I was older, I couldn't stop asking questions.
I have to admit that it can be annoying sometimes, but I comfort myself with the thought that "You won't know until you ask," though by now I've asked so much that they ought to have made me a professor.
When I got older, I noticed that not all questions can be asked and that many whys can never be answered. As a result, I tried to work things out for myself by mulling over my own questions. And I came to the important discovery that questions which you either can't or shouldn't ask in public, or questions which you can't put into words, can easily be solved in your own head. So the word 'why' not only taught me to ask, but also to think. And thinking has never hurt anyone. On the contrary, it does us all a world of good.”

“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.”

“I have one outstanding trait in my character, which must strike anyone who knows me for any length of time, and that is my knowledge of myself. I can watch myself and my actions, just like an outsider. The Anne of every day I can face entirely without prejudice, without making excuses for her, and watch what's good and what's bad about her. This 'self-consciousness' haunts me, and every time I open my mouth I know as soon as I've spoken whether 'that ought to have been different' or 'that was right as it was.' There are so many things about myself that I condemn; I couldn't begin to name them all. I understand more and more how true Daddy's words were when he said: 'All children must look after their own upbringing.' Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.”

“How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the whole day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day.”
“People who have a religion should be glad, for not everyone has the gift of believing in heavenly things.”
“And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren't any other people living in the world.”
“Don't condemn me, remember rather that sometimes I, too, can reach the bursting point.”

“I don't have much in the way of money or worldly possessions, I'm not beautiful, intelligent or clever, but I'm happy, and I intend to stay that way! I was born happy, I love people, I have a trusting nature, and I'd like everyone else to be happy too. ”
“The question is very understandable, but no one has found a satisfactory answer to it so far. Yes, why do they make still more gigantic planes, still heavier bombs and, at the same time, prefabricated houses for reconstruction? Why should millions be spent daily on the war and yet there's not a penny available for medical services, artists, or for poor people?

Why do some people have to starve, while there are surpluses rotting in other parts of the world? Oh,why are people so crazy?”

“A voice within me is sobbing, "You see that's what's become of you. You're surrounded by negative opinions, dismayed looks and mocking faces, people who dislike you, and all because you don't listen to the advice of your own better half." Believe me, I'd like to listen, but it doesn't work, because if I'm quiet and serious, everyone thinks I'm putting on a new act and I have to save myself with a joke, and then I'm not even talking about my own family, who assume I must be sick, stuff me with aspirins and setatives, feel my neck and forehead to see if I have a temperature, ask about my bowel movements and berate me for being in a bad mood, until I just can't keep it up anymore, because when everybody starts hovering over me, I get cross, then sad, an finally end up turning my heart inside out, the bad part on the outside and the good part on the inside, and keep trying to find a way to become what I'd like to be and what I could be if . . . if only there were no other people in the world.

Yours, Anne M. Frank.”
“Looking back, I realize that this period of my life has irrevocably come to a close; my happy-go-lucky, carefree schooldays are gone forever. I don't even miss them. I've outgrown them. I can no longer just kid around, since my serious side is always there.”
“I want be a writer”
“Up till now I always thought bickering was just something children did and they outgrew it. Of course, there's sometimes a reason to have a 'real' quarrel, but the verbal exchanges that take place here are just plain bickering. I should be used to the fact that these squabbles are daily occurrences, but I'm not and never will be as long as I'm the subject of nearly every discussion. (They refer to these as 'discussions instead of 'quarrels', but Germans don't know the difference!)”
“A person who's happy will make others happy; a person who has courage and faith will never die in misery”
“I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness. I hear the ever-approaching thunder, which will destroy us too. I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right.”

“It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.”

Un-edited Pages

There are the Fearless, The Spotless and the One's worth , choose !

It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.

This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes...There is, in the end, the letting go.

Thus,

It takes time, though, for his face to appear. And as the years

have passed, the time has grown longer. The sad truth is that what I

could recall in 5 seconds all too soon needed 10, then 30, then a full

minute - like shadows lengthening at dusk. Someday, I suppose, the

shadows will be swallowed up in darkness. There is no way around it:

my memory is growing ever more distant from the spot where it

used to stand - where my old self used to stand.

A kick to some part of my mind. Wake up, it says. I'm still here. Wake

up and think about it. Think about why I'm still here. The kicking

never hurts me. There's no pain at all. Just a hollow sound that echoes

with each kick. And even that is bound to fade one day. At Dubai

airport, though, the kicks were longer and harder than usual. Which is

why I am writing this book. To think. To understand. It just happens

to be the way I'm made. I have to write things down to feel I fully

comprehend them.

WHERE ENDS MEET - In the Luciferous Suburbs .

Knitted Shadows (Apple Pie & An Oversized Sweater)

Purvi stepped into her apartment and turned the lights on. it had been a tiresome day. One that she wished could be forgotten. to top such a rough day, she drove from Kandivelli to Bandra through the traffic snarl and the non- stop strom that brewed outside.
Once home, she collapsed into the sofa and ordred dinner from a chinese take away. With dinner ordered, she decided to watch news for a while. Life has become an Urban mess & a tiresome routine. Drive to work, get through a day of monotony and get back feeling half- dead. She had no energy left to anything else. She remembered the good old college days when she played soccer every other evening or hit the gym. While Prateek fetched her choco -mint ice cream , when they walked with a beer on the beach, when they had a 'home'. she couldn't fanthom how this could be possible now. She mulled over the idea of getting a 'bai' to help her out. She grew leaner by the day, all her shirts lost it's fit. .
She saw the  backlit display flashing on her phone. It was Prateek , the freak .
" hey, how did u remember me at this hour? Isn't it time for 'we the people' on NDTV?"  She sounded expressionless.
' I need to speak to you about something' He said in a pensive tone.He was the closest spouse she ever had, or still did have?
"tell me, Is it raining in Banglore as well? It's puring cats and dogs out here." She said , sounding subtle.She randomly switched through channels who had all about the'K' serials or Stars making no reason news . Utter rubbish, is this supposed to be in news? she thought.
" i guess it was...in the afternoon. But Purvi we need to talk about this "
' Yes . I'm listening'
"No, you're not, you're watching TV and commenting on each random channel you come across. Switch it off for a minute. "
' Okay done. now what?' She stared the blank screen and sat up , this seemed pretty serious. They almost never ad serious conversations.She wondered if he had gotten Fired from work or did he forget to post the books she asked for. But he sounded pretty normal , she thought.
" I'm getting married to Neha Khanna, Aman Khanna's sister. We spent some time together last Sunday. She works at Oracle. The wedding is next month and , You are coming' He almost hung up, after blurting out what he had to say .
" oh! I mean ' what?' you are getting married? Oh , it's good news but I'm not coming. I'm sorry...I'll be flying to Amsterdam for a work related issues so" She sounded mellowed down.
" But you promised ...you've to come over Purbi!"
'it's purvi not Purbi and ...Look , I ca.. can't . Bye.' she slammed the phone down and felt even more tired . Too tired to sleep and too enegetic to think about it.
She called up Prateek the following morning .
" hey, it's me ! Purvi. Sorry about yesterday , it was too much infomation, suddenly. Congratulations by the way. " she said nervously.
' slow down lady, you know it's 4 am i the morning? and you are apologizing for what? I mean, you were to react that way. I knew it . " he sounded calm as always
" No it's just, I've never been this rude. Are you happy ?" she asked plainly
' my parents are, i'm moving on . That's about it'
There was disarmed silence. The obliteration of emotion, the white cast of insanity upon her eyes , suddenly shined.Her howls dissolved in self substance. She sighed.
" Ugh, I think we should go back to sleep . " she hung up with the same feeling as yesterday.
She walked otowards the window, the floor froze her feet, and sat to watch the rain wash away the street outside her building.There was lesser traffic outside, the morning was still unawakened. It was calm . She remembered how they met the first time.

In Mumbai
3 Years ago ...
At a house party .

he walked towards her with a glass of whit wine in the lawn,she sat alone staring at the people dancing . His brow filled with sweat, and he didn't how to react to such a attractive woman who kohled her eyes like an arabic woman apart from the fact that she wore a baby pink dress and an arab woman wore 'burkha' .
" hi, why are you here all alone? dance ?" he asked decently handing over the wine glass
' Not really intrested, I'm not a party person. Thanks for the wine by the way. ' she spoke well and sophisticated yet a little stern than other females. Maybe she wasn't the 'random' type.
"Prateek Malhotra, ISB Seminar . remember?"
' Oh yeah! you got me lemon tea right?  Purvi Mathur, Same ISB Seminar ' she smiled and they shook hands like 2 pretty professionals.
"It's a boring party , isn't it ? should we go for a walk or ?" he asked sounding decent enough to hide his intentions.
' Actually yeah, let's go for a walk by the beach . Grab 2 bottles of beer' She said casuallyas if she could read his mind.
 Such meetings now happened more often . The liking grew . There were morre dinners, coffee meetings, lunch on sundays, more house parties attended, more outing in short, till they moved in the same apartment , lived as if they were the most in-love couple. the spark couldn't grow more , it had blown out of proportion.
So what went wrong after 2 long years of love, passion, bonding?!

Sunday morning
Juhu Mumbai

'Prateek? where have u been ? I called up so many times , I was so scared . what happened last night ?' she spoke in fear and tears. She hugged him tight
 He smelt of Tommy Hilfiger's colonge , some female-ish scent and whiskey . He was drunk and back home 2 days after .
She walked to get him orange juice and put him to sleep . While he was asleep, she typed away her assignment till it was 9pm .
Prateek walked out slugishly, and hugged her.
" I need to talk Purvi, I've been doing things and I need to make some things clear. Please dont break down, I beg of you." he said .
' Okay, what is it?' she asked firmly
" I want you to leave this apartment, settle in and look for another guy. i'm a waste of time now. I'm moving to Shanghai with my brother -in-law . I'm leaving you, I'm sick of so much love . That's it ." he said it all without a single expression on his face
she sat in disrupted silence. Shocked. Then gathered herself to speak up .
' If this makes u happy &content, then go ahead and do it Prateek. I want what makes you happy, that's all I want.; she said sweetly while crying at the same time.
No sooner, Prateek left. A chapter closed abruptly. There was void.

Some Months later...
in the same apartment

On another Sunday morning , with a mug of steaming black coffee.
She thought,

It takes time, though, for his face to appear. And as the years

have passed, the time has grown longer. The sad truth is that what I

could recall in 5 seconds all too soon needed 10, then 30, then a full

minute - like shadows lengthening at dusk. Someday, I suppose, the

shadows will be swallowed up in darkness. There is no way around it:

my memory is growing ever more distant from the spot where he

used to stand - where my old self used to stand.

Present Day ...
At the Airport (Banglore)
Prateek turned to his mobilbe phone, as the aircraft taxied on the tarmac. Welcome to Mumbai, the temperature is a pleasent 25 degrees, the flight captain said on the radio.

He ringed Purve, the first thing after the landing . It was a random call .
" Hey , what plans tonight ? Im in mumbai . Shall we hang out ? " He said in an excited mood.
' Hi, that's great . I mean that ur in town. Let's meet up at Barista for coffee? or house for chinese dinner?' she sounded still as calm like the last time he heard her .
"Cool, I'll drop my bags , get changed and meet u at Barista by 6:30 pm ? "
' Sounds good enough' sounding like sugar .

3 hours later ...
He walks to her table and taps her shoulder.
" Hey Purvi, how have u been ?" giving her a slugish hug.
' Hi, I've been just the usual me. How about u ? ' She said meakly
She had grown ever more leaner and weak than before. Earlier she was a plum and short with straight long hair . Her hair. the only thing that remained 'actual' of her.

After 2 cups of coffe and an apple pie . They moved back to their respective homes.
As soon as Purvi returned, She locked herself in a room and turned of the lights. She didn't want a memory to flash back anymore. it had been to difficult to get rid of them and shut them. A minute later Sushma, the neighbour and old friend called. She curtly told her that it was too little late to talk, and hund up after some polite banter.
It's all too much, it's  not such a big deal, she realised. And Prateek is acting daft . who does he think he is ?he seemed like he didn't care, beyond  his ' i'm sorry' and 'are u happy?' statements.
She lay in bed, feeling terrible abot her day, and the overwhelming excitementof it all. Most of all, she felt alone. Everyone else around her was over the moon, except her.
She got out of covers and opened up her wodrobe taking out a cardboard box. iIt was filled with memorries, pictures, cards and a grey and pink hand knitted oversized sweater. One that prateek and she wore for many of their pictures, winter chilled nights and while special sleep when they snuggled in. She held it close to her chest and started to cry.

Last year...
At Shanghai airport ...

'Hey , I can't believe ur here just to wish me.' Purvi chirped.
"how couldn't I, ur in Shanghai and it's ur birthday" said Prateek
He handed her a paper bag and she left in a hurry to board the plane.She unwrapped her gift and smiled faintly and typed a text to Prateek
" Thanks a ton for this, it's really sweet of you to return me a giant of our memory. Love Purvi ...X"

Present day ...
She got up to try the sweater, it was way too big. There was a person missing in it. Her phone started to vibrate. It was 4 am, she had been up pretty much all night.
' it's 4 am and he wants to say sorry now, let it ring !' she thought
she recieved a message saying ' Pick up ' and realised things were diffrent now. What was she thinking.
The phone started to vibrate again. She picked up .
' What do u want?' she asked, sounding upset.
" are u mad at me?"
' get to the point' she wiped her tears with the sleeves of her sweater.
' come downstairs now.'
" what? stop kidding me." she stood up , and brushed her locks behind her ears .
' come to the window, u'll see a black Aveo. I went to the airport, got on a low cost airline, flew all the way here and drove from the airport ...Now come down.'
" okay dont' get cranky , I'm coming"
She was sitting next to him in the car witin a few minutes.
' I brought you something. They've opened outside the airport .' He handed her a little box.
" Apple Pie! wow, thanks. i'll have it for breakfast.You didn't have to fly all the way..'
"Wait, let me talk"
'No, let me say this.
Will U marry me ?" She looked at him with intensity in her eyes.
"what? that was my question."
' I meant to ask u on ur birthday. I brought a ring back then. I felt, forget it! He's too good for me . That you'll always be but I dont want to lose you Prateek, I love you.'
" yes , yes I will." He hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead and then lips.
She stared at the ring , and put it around his finger.
'what took u so long, u big clown?' He asked
' U intimidate me, I get scared.'
' I know' he smiled and pulled her cheek
It was the same grey and pink hand knitted oversized sweater she wore and now there was nobody missing in it.
It was back to where the knitted shadows left , it was back to 'Perfect'.




Gundeep Arora(Sonia Singh)

Satire et Pessimism

Sometimes, you lose track of what you're doing. And you know that. That's the worst part. You know what you want to be doing. What you should be doing. But you're never able to really get down to doing you.

That leaves you feeling confused. Worthless. Like you’re a waste of space, like you’re not strong enough, like you’re not upto it.

Things go into a frenzy. It’s like you’re in a trance. Caught, in this jungle, you know what’s past it, you know how to get there. but you’ve been stuck here so long. You’ve lost the will to try anymore. It’s not so bad here after all, is it? You look outside. Greenery. Trees. Magnificent creatures. Exotic plants. It’s oh-so-interesting. But you forget to take a peek inside yourself. What’s hidden there? Pain. Despair. Hopelessness. 

You get accustomed to the jungle. You fetch for yourself. You feed yourself. You tell yourself that this is how it’s meant to be. Reject the hopes. The dreams. The visions of success. Of achievement. Or peace. Of stability. All the visions you had about your life. You get accustomed to what you have. What’s right there in front of you. What’s easy. 

Time passes. You’re still caught in the frenzy. In the trance. And then the high wears off. Oh you, you’re right where you were. There hasn’t been any epiphany. But the daze? You get too used to it. Too immune. You crave for a stronger intoxicant. You’d do anything to get back into a reverie. But before you get your hands on it, memories flood back. Thoughts rush into your conscience. And you remember. That’s the hardest part. Remembering. The hopes. Dreams. Visions. Plans. And you fight back. You want what you wanted again. You’ll do anything to get it. 

The catch? You forgot the way. You’d known how to get out before. Before, when you were out of the clutches of hopelessness. When you still desired what you really wanted, and not just escape. Back, when you’d still had focus. And now? All you have is a wish. And no way to realize it. 

Guilt. Hurt. Breakdowns. New resolves. Followed by a white flag. 

You see no way out. And the only one you can blame is yourself. And then there’s a calm. Composure. Will power. You decide to fight.

You begin to trudge through the forest. The forest doesn’t want to let you go. You don’t want to remain entrapped. War breaks out. Somehow....it's inside you. Because the forest? It was within you all along. The only thing holding you back was you. You were the one who momentarily gave up the dreams. Yes, truly, you’re the only one to blame to have lost your way. You gave yourself the wrong directions. You forgot the way out. You brought this upon yourself. 

The calm transforms into a panic attack. The composure? Comsumed by another burst of a new frenzy. The will power? It crumbles. 

And you fall back into the vines in the forest that trap you. Failing to realize that it’s not really the vines. It’s your own mind holding you back.

All along, it really was just you.

So go out there and live as if there’s nothing that holds u back. Fall in love, live in it and fall again if u fall out. Live, so when ur 70 u remember those days and laugh like a bunny little grandpa/ grandma !