Chastity

When I see my bare shoulders, I see that they are bent under some sort of responsibility, the responsibility of beauty. There's a famous saying by my mother - beauty attracts beasts; for it's intensity leaves helplessness into the man's mind . I look into my eyes again, today they are khol-less and smeared with an empty glare , I'm horrified at that one sight of void filling into me ; for what reason - even I find it hard to believe . I consign anything that makes me insecure but now when I look into my desire-less eyes , I see the reason why I live . The reason may sound horrifying in this 21st century where every woman dreams of her freedom and identity and I possess tthe tradionalist attitude mixing it ghastly with modern ideas . Some times I wonder, what I'm doing is it even worth believing it ? Am I walking the wrong path again ?
To be honest, I'm just a fugitive from my own self . It's desire to hold me had almost broken me, I dare not pick up the pieces again that I vividly scattered in the vast extense of nothingness . There's mutiny within my heart and mind , of freedom from breath .
Now I know why this battlion has taken rage, because there's a lot of love and kindness; lot of love for him; lot of weakness for something I can do nothing about .
I'm that beautiful rose whose throns have been plucked out mindlessly only to make her realize that sometimes u , yourself can be fatal for you.
Is it so wrong to love one person and maintain chastity ? Is it a crime to ask for something in all honesty ?
Why is it so difficult  remain beautiful and clean at the same time ? why does every man think he can fairly attack ur chastity to his mind's wish ?
I love him, my soulmate, my best friend, my possible husband ...I'm not going to get it tattooed but that's it - no other man shall ever come .
Maybe I sound like a child here, but it's my rude statement to all the turned on bastards out there ; the only man who will be my soulmate is chosen, find urselves another woman who is interested in one night stands, for I'm not of that taste.
Whosoever may come, my family and him are the most important people for me, the highest priority is then given to my work and later the other nonsense can come along .
Thank you !

Extortion,Pleas & Imprisonment

Sometimes in my own thoughts I become a biwildered silent beast. I look deep into my black soul , dark and intensly filled with a horrifying story to tell; but who has the ear or the nerve to believe me that I am not crazy or absurd but just trying my very best to save my relationship .
Few years ago , i had these wonderful feelings for a man , they swinged with time; the relationship broke and I mend it each time , tirelessly !
I wasn't upset of fixing what had been broken,I did with the same passion each time and my love grew feirce all this while .
One fine morning, 11 am , I was horrified of a situation a woman who's unmarried and seemlessly fearless like me,would  want to hear ; yet, I did and dealt with the consequences . All this happened and he packed his bags to leave, I knew my bleak chance of retaining the love has drained down due to my insolence and stupidity.
Little did I know that it could tear me apart this much; could throw me from a 1000 feet down . I swinged back and forth in hope and despair. The moment passed, I took a deep breath and said to myself, start again with a new beginning .
The beginning happened and no sooner I discovered that it was mere compromises he made under a plain white  sheet of love and sacrifice. I understood and decided that I had hurt him enough and now I shall be a good girlfriend for the rest of my life.
But his grief is deeper than I can even feel or see. I'm blinded by the thought of love .
Before marriage came our way, I stood on the fork of my life; thinking - was this true love and could never turn it's back on me or was this a facade for my meagre happiness for the rest of my life ?
I know my soul is black and unpure ,but my feelings are chaste. Whatsoever I did , my actions; my lies ; my freatful tears; my prayers ; my obsession and everything I did and all the crimes and unjustice to myself of carefully wrapping my dreams and self into a silk cloth and disolving it into acid was because I had so much love into me that I could seldom let it go ; I hope I can be forgiven in the sha'ria court of justice and by him too .
God punished me already, for I can never again have my own flesh and precious blood to ease any pain , he has punished me and no punishment is ever going to be enough for a woman like me.
The greatest punishement is silence, that is if u throw me back a million miles from now.
 * sigh*
 What more can a man suffer who finds his own to be strangers and a deep void , never filled ; what man suffers more than insanity off his own self ?

The colour of your soul is BLACK !!

Sometimes I sit by my window sill , glaring deep into my own eyes; it's like that of an urban meditation. It's a sound I hear from within, of screams, of agony, of faint smile, of sobbing, of expulsion...of rebellion !
The stare becomes intense, gradually it screams in my head and then I fall into a pitch of darkness, absorbtion of that emotion, the anguish- my soul melts into some flowing 'sitar' notes, some lava, some 'Gangaes' holiness , some flow from the 'Rewa' ...then my mind, body stay still and hop on to peace
Peace
PEACE...
peace ....what is this serene peaceful emotion tantalizing every mind's chords?
Maybe religon is the wisdom of great minds, maybe the education to serenity, maybe clamping your spine with thick feirce hot tongs and sitting with the farewell emotion of pain and silence'.

Look again into the mirror, what do u see? a disrupted aura; broken heart ; trembling body; reconciled in wrath, what do u figure out of those dark weary eyes, without ambition or peace; just disruption and silence .
Silence...
SILENCE..
silence..........
Shhuuusshh ..it said Silence again .

Do u ever see a happy chuckling woman full of life every single day after anything she's gone through, do u see the intense kohl she wears ; can u see beyond that , can u see her strength shattering into millions and miillions of tiny micro particles and she gathers them again and again; do u see her insanity behind her sane self ; do u feel her excruciating pain when u touch her ...do u feel any of those vibes from her body ?
Maybe u don't see or feel or hear any of the waves that pass much above ur normal sense, u may never even do so ; the reason being simple and abnoxious - because it is she right this moment and the next moment shall be you ; then after much disregard to her- u will suffer her deflected aura and beg and steal her help ; the funny thing is - she will step forward to help u and never leave u before u can support ur own mind.

Once again , question ur conscience if it allows u ; does a person need to be insane to prove they have suffered & need love, do u think u need to be harsh to them because ur time has been ur star and their's hasn't ? Does it allow u to poke urself with needles in all ur body ?i suppose not , then why must u be so ignorant ?
Think of it , atleast on human grounds !!


 

Unburnt Flames

Okay, let's do accepting first. Learn to accept for what ur responsible - good or bad. Liars are not always lying , atleast I think most people in this whole wide world lie atleast 10 times in their life. Sometimes it's ground breaking, mind boggling to sit and think what will happen now , especially when it's a money issue - should i wait or sell my possesions ? or should I ask help ...all together it's sucidal.
Apart from all those, I sometimes wonder, what am I ? a liar or a survivor, because if i don't lie then i can't survive any problem and if i lie I'm evil and i should be thrown out of the society. Should I become one facadious woman, who has no soul telling her right or wrong.
They say human body can survive without food or water for several days, they also say it has great eduring strength; honestly, how long does it survive the aftermath of an invasion,of agony , after the millionth plead , how long can it endure being broken into a hundred million pieces of thin glass? How long ? any idea ?

“Atrocity is recognized as such by victim and predator alike, by all who learn about it at whatever remove. Atrocity has no excuses, no mitigating argument. Atrocity never balances or rectifies the past. Atrocity merely arms the future for more atrocity. It is self-perpetuating upon itself — a barbarous form of incest. Whoever commits atrocity also commits those future atrocities thus bred. ”
― Frank Herbert

Then why, is it so hard to accept that , being a liar is like breathing now. Why should u be guilty at all , because u aren't a gold card holder in good people's membership club .
Moreover this indian ( no offence ) thing called character is a plain white cloth , u must not stain it . arey, i was walking, random guy came and he splashed mud on it- plain cloth is now dirty . If he cleans it, good for him and if he doesn't - Karma will punish his deeds. In all this, why is the victim, the woman , the possesion - the one with a bad character; why this sexism ?
U will make her ur girlfriend, wife or whatever ; lover her; make her think of the best u will give her in her life; then dispose her in ur bed and kitchen  - there is ur love , so pure and true.
look at that innocent face once, just for once; those eyes; the fluttering lips ; trembling body - don't u feel pity or any emotion for her tears or silence. Do u think, he insanity or silence or tears are forged for ur attention ? Is this all u can think ? Why so judgemental with what u own with ur fadacious love and not with an attraction ?
first she is her father's property - all sick to be free and breathe; then she's her husbands property - all for household and bed ; when will she be her own property and do things she like and and be appriciated for it? when will men stop wondering about her tits and vagina and look at the beauty she's held all this long ; when will this day come or is this nature that the woman has to go on her knees and live on the mercy of the men in her house who can clamp her when they like , as they like ?why must u call them "Laxmi"  ( indian goddess) when u don't give a fuck about her?
No matter who u become and how open minded ur parents are- they still regret a female that has a lot of luggage and few often people to unpack it.
U must know and believe that every person has his own way of showing sorrow or gaity, no neccessary they must cry or laugh- they may just lose their minds and become insane .
Not all questions need be answer but not all women go insane to prove their chastity and rightousness
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”
― E.F. Schumacher

Paper flower

Do u see it's delicate self, the petals , the vigour, the colour. If , I'm going to water it; it for sure shall life long and bright . If, I do not, it will stay rosy for a day and die the next .
I don't know if I or any other female is like a paper flower where a woman's duty is to keep her man and his family happy, to have his babies and be an ideal wife or else she deserve nothing more than to called a cunt ; apparently who did really set these male and female laws - who really had the sick mind of doing so .
what can a more thn illusive mind do at rest - scream without a voice !!

Voice

I thought I was moving too fast and a voice said "no, it's okay to move fast and fall in , mix in with ur newness"
I think the voise inside is sometimes a little right , a little wrong and a little raw...
I moved just too fast and now I'm here - all too messy and broken ...Oh Kudhai!