Friday, 11 May 2018

A long story

Have you ever wondered why some people commit heinous crimes?

People often call such criminals weak, psychotic or even misguided but I think they must be great suffering for them to be this person or maybe just anger. So many people use samaritans these days and pretend to know nothing about it. It is a suicide prevention helpline.

Here is a story that will change your life forever. It's not got any grave impact but it changed someone's life forever...

It was a frighteningly rainy day in Barnsley (England) when Rayna Heckt arrived at her university's admission desk to finish her enrolment process. She got through with having herself photographed and getting her student pass for all of Yorkshire, she then proceeded to get a large Costa and bid her father goodbye for his flight back to South Africa. She was ecstatic, her eyes gleamed of happiness and hope. She was finally going to be close to the love of her life - Faizal Ibn Noor Nizami.

Rayna was raised across the world due to her father's transferable job but had settled for most part in Cape Town, SA. Life was good so far. High school had ended and she had begun to see Faizal Ibn Noor Nizami.

Noor was the noor of Rayna's life. It means he was her light, her spark and the source of her happiness. She would gladly give up anything for him. But little did she know what was yet to come for her.

Noor was a sinking ship. Raised as a mixed race Arab-Indian, he functioned on full throttle male dominated social system where, it was clear to him that he ruled the house of Nizami with his father. Nizami's could kill but never learn to take a woman's word of advice. Noor's father i.e. Dr. Hafiz Nizami was a violent government goon of a paediatrician who was accused of child trafficking and abuse and yet not proven in the courts. On the other hand, Noor's stepmother i.e. Mrs. Neelam Batoul Nizami was the key handler of the sex and child trafficking business but disguised as a housewife with creativity in managing money. The Nizami's were infamous for their notorious behaviours. The family ran a humble clinic for children and was politically well-connected.
Raised in an environment of domestic violence and emotional turmoil, Noor grew up to be a sociopath. Nobody cares but it's still true.

A year after Rayna's arrival to England, in the summer of 2010, she moved to Leeds with her then boyfriend Noor. They were in deep love but he never acknowledged her as his girlfriend to which she understood to be his cultural apprehensiveness. It was clear to most people he fucked her, he loved her so therefore it was relationship of a kind. And a lot of unprotected and careless fucking got Rayna pregnant in the fall of 2011.

From where she belonged i.e. a loving close knit family and rich parents, she knew that being a single parent was never going to be hard and, neither was abortion. But she was forbidden to tell her family about her illegitimate pregnancy with a knife under her throat until she chose diffrently.
Weeks passed and Noor began to become worried about his crazy girlfriend wanting to give birth to their child. Little did she know that Noor despised her, he wanted her to die.
The old root here was, Noor's father found out about his earlier girlfriend who gave birth secretly and then filed a case for child support money. Anger couldn't justify shame. Poor 18 year old Noor had to swallow his vexation.

  Rayna was a strong headed girl, she chose to keep her child and give it life. Nothing can come close to maternal protection at its peak. With the support of her two friends, she found to keep her baby safe from Noor's beating, his rape and his blind desire to kill what she bore.

Noor and Rayna's relationship was great until the sex was good and she was good. It began to stall in early 2011 when he first beat her blue and proceeded to rape her for her unwillingness to scum to his needs.
Rayna entered to surprise her beloved man on the night of his birthday 4th of January where she found him in bed with another woman. Broken, she asked her to leave politely and settled her drunk man to a cup of coffee. Angry Noor saw nothing but  disrupted sex, his anger built over the last few weeks for her low fat cooking and laziness to do any household chores. He took her bags and kept aside, took her coat and poured the hot coffee over head. He proceeded to fling her across the room with a tight slap and pushing her against the wall. She cried. He ripped her clothes one by one.
He tore her T-shirt from her work uniform and asked her to get rid of her pants. When she refused, he slapped her some more. He then took her bra out, cutting her creamy pale skin at the back from the hooks; and ripped out her knickers. There she was, naked. Her shoulders bent in fear. Her hands covering her breasts.
He went down on her. Her recently waxed genitals were cold from the sheer horror of what was happening. He began to lick her and bite her mercilessly. He then took his penis and shoved it in her while dialling his upstairs flatmate to join him. That night and every night after that had started to become horrifying.

She fell pregnant. He was horrified as though he were using contraception.

When the beating stopped working, he threatened to abandon her. When that didn't work he chose to kill her child.

In the week 19 of her pregnancy, he proposed to marry her and presented himself as a changed man. She agreed and thought he was in love with his child.
One day he convinced her that he would only marry her if she agreed to abort her 25 week old foetus, the wedding was 2 months away. She agreed to see a doctor for once and that trick turned out to be the worst of all kinds.
He had taken her to a private abortion clinic where the doctor told her that she needed some surgery for the benefit of her baby. She gladly agreed to undergo a small surgery through vaginal route.
She woke up to realise her child was gone. He had killed her innocent dear baby. A baby who had a 60% chance of survival if born then. Noor never turned up at the altar nor did he ever say anything as to why he is leaving.
He dropped her at her home in Barnsley and called her later month from Goa to end his relationship with her for being of loose character.
Noor left. Nothing was going to change that.

Rayna began to smoke. She smoked everything that would change her reality for a few hours. She began to party hard and date anyone who would tell her that her ex fiancé will see his fault and come back. She eventually was found unconscious in her school's IT room and was taken to the hospital where she was rehabilitated for 3 months. Soon after, her parents took her home and asked her what she wanted to do with her life. She responded she wanted to study more, even in that condition.
Rayna returned to England from SA to begin her doctoral program in oil and gas engineering. She topped her class and met her present day husband Dr. Aziz Ahmed. Aziz was a cardiologist who was attending his residency in the St. Luke's Hospital in Bedford under Dr. Strat, Rayna's treating physician for a weakened heart muscle.

Aziz fell in love with an afraid Rayna and asked her hand in marriage. He happily answered all her questions and heard her saga of unfathomable acts by her previous lover. Nothing moved this man's faith in his love for her.

The duo got married in a private ceremony in the Cannes witnessing the attendance of some of the most influential people in the world, later moving their home to Harrogate.
The couple were ecstatic to be expecting their first child in May 2016. Rayna couldn't believe her life would change this way. She felt whole again.

Until recently, she was ruthlessly found murdered by her ex lover, in her home with both her wrists slit and hanged to death. A note read =   this is what happens when you think you can move on, with love - Noor.




Wednesday, 1 February 2017

My heart is whole

It is hard to be me these days and I can say this because this an excerpt from where my soul is.  I don't know why anyone would read what I write, I'm probably a crappy writer anyway but every story must be heard before it dies with the storyteller. Like mine. 
About 2 years ago, my child died for a person who could care less about anything that was to do with people who loved him. About 9 months ago, another woman died and it was because of the same man. Can you imagine how he must live so peacefully with so much innocent blood on his hands? 
It is audacious of me to write this today because my culture, my hippocratic culture and values don't permit me to be this person, a bad girl ! 
I was in a relationship for 7 and half years and I spent every ounce of my being to loving this man but either god or he had a different plan that this man decided to leave. I think it was because of me. I think that I couldn't be a good human being (but let's talk about that later). I was in love when I nearly died because of this man 14 times, I was in love when I became a chain smoker, I was in love when I gave up my friends, I was in love when I believed I cheated or I deserved to be beaten up. I was in love with every abuse, every tarnishing, every little gesture of love and manipulation that came my way. But when he left, I died with my heart broken and today I am going to bury her. 

Let's face it, it is hard to be a bride and pretend to be a virgin when you are not one, to have experienced motherhood or domestic life without a marriage. It is difficult to explain to your husband that you didn't want to end that relationship, be this person or not be married to your ex spouse. Little will he understand given the indian patriarchal society's hypocrisy. I will tell you dear future husband, if you do the same things to me then I will leave and find my life again. I did this time and I will do it again. 
Because the truth is, I wanted to be married to my ex, I didn't want domestic violence, I didn't want to be used and I didn't want to have a heart so heavy that I wished never to wake up again. I can't help it if he wanted to use me as mule or he left. I tried to stop him, trust me. 

I have tried to find many many ways of living a fuller, better and more satisfying life but I end up paying 50 pound sterling for drugstore makeup that I may never use. So I wanted to cope with my emotions or my life (I think), I tried to use denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (Kubler-Ross Model). It doesn't always work. He is everywhere you go, every movie you watch, every time you visit a place , every song you listen to and you taste them like blood in your mouth, in you heart. 
I decided to accept that I must have cheated, I must have been bad in bed, I must have been a bad cook and a bad girlfriend for so long that forgot who I was. I believe I am going to be like this, a bad spouse who cooks, cleans, fucks and has no real emotions because she is a sex seeking cunt. I am going to be someone lonely because I don't want to be betrayed, I am going to be a bad mother because I can't protect my children and my soul will always bear a black mark. 
A girl who was 14 years old fell in love can't be responsible, mature and not make mistakes. She shouldn't be compared to your mother, she shouldn't be lied to and of all things - it is okay to make mistakes. Young people make mistakes, it is a way of life. Don't paint them all the same colour. I am not sorry for being a bad indian girl who should culturally be condemned with the worst kind of punishment. And the funniest part is, I haven't slept with anyone since I became single, I practice religion, I am healthier than ever before, successfully became a size 12 ( I don't have a skinny girl body frame) from size 24,  more alive and fun. I am everything he wanted me to be, just without him.   
 I am sorry I am giving up so soon.  I am actually tired and no it is not going to be okay. Nothing is changing my broken heart and yes I am going to sulk or even die because I have lost a spouse. Nothing can be worse than this, no pain or life experience. 
My story is extraordinary, my love was too while I renounce every pleasure and innocence I once held ( I still want to go back but ...). Died aged 21, will be cremated aged 61 and ready to be married away - My heart is whole today. 

Merci, 
Sonia 

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Mumbradevi Times

This is my first account of a trip I took myself to the city I have grown to see as a cosmopolitan woman who is fierce yet graceful. I have never done this before and she came like a raging other bear at me with her heat, vast sea and ever so Maharashtrian-ness. I loved her but as they say she's fatal.
I landed late night and checked into a five star, showered and ordered dinner as usual post flight behavior but what was really different this time was that the man I loved was with me. He got me a 'cutting' chai and a pack of my favorite cigarettes. I looked at him with such love because before this I had parted with a heavy heart where I knew my relationship with him was coming to an end very soon but this time I saw him in new light. I was there. I was with him. I was there to fix the broken pieces.
I think I loved it more because I was in love with an Indian engineer who was part south Indian, part Maharashtrian and wholly Punjabi. He was my right mix. I loved his country, his lifestyle, his city but I was secretly    being choked in the name of love. No matter what efforts I made to save my relationship, it was slipping away little by little. I thought I could give my fragile little heart to someone else who might jerk it in the right place and reset me. But love doesn't work that way, it is like that scab you keep picking off your bruise despite knowing that every time you do this, it is going to bleed and hurt a lot more than last time. But whatever happens , you keep doing this because you become used to this pain and every time it bleeds, you see a little bit of you flowing away with it and that makes you happy in a very sadistic way.

I woke him up, we had a coffee and proceeded for breakfast. We has eggs and waffles. I had some bacon with it. I liked how this was going.
I smoked and headed for my room, he lay there in his boxers. I climbed to him and made plans until I headed for a luxury shower on Italian marble floor served with lilac scent towels.
We headed out to a fusion bar where I had some weird tasting cocktail and he had a beer served with oily and spicy chilly chicken. The rest of the day went in a buzz, I went shopping for a bit and had dinner with my sister-in-law.  She is woman with a heart of gold, least I see her in that light. 

Hina Ki Khusboo ( The scent of Heena) - Alpha Widow

She sat there engulfed in the scent of her wedding heena, smiling ear to ear on the grand celebration of her wedding. Her favorite song played and she danced in her crisp green Maharashtrian silk sari. She loved culture, she loved its mix and more than that she loved being happy to celebrate enough. But her wedding is only 1 day away wasn't scaring her as much as the thought of seeing him was. She was getting married to an anglo-indian hotelier who she met during her MBA in the US. He was a guest lecturer and she was asking too many questions. They met. Sparks. Love and all that happened.

He called her one day. Her past knocked right at their door. The love of her life, the father of her children. Her dead children. She walked with her wedding bangles clinking, her mangalsutra dangling from her stiletto like neck. 

' Hi'

'Namastey' He said. 

' I can't believe it is you, it has been a while' 

' But the tattoo you're trying to hide behind your sari is still there. Something tells me it hasn't been that long since you...' 

' I am happy where I am and I like wearing my scars'  she almost wept. 

' You're pregnant again ?' 

' I am. We were at a karvachaut pooja so I am all decked up' 

' It is mine. I know it and that's why I came here to give you this'  He said pulling out a roll of stamp papers from his coat. He has set up a trust fund for the future baby and made him the heir of everything he precisely owned. 

' I know you're still finding it hard to deal with the remains of this relationship and so am I. I know I slept with you before I got married but I never became pregnant then because me and Beqhtas have planned this baby. I can't take any of this you're here to offer.' She said.

' I...'

' Please go. I loved you but I need some time and I will come see you in your hotel tomorrow morning' She said hurriedly. 

She walked in the lobby, her shoes made a clacking noise. She walked towards a suite and knocked. He opened the door and welcomed her with wine. They had breakfast food with wine. She lay on his bed and dozed off because her pregnancy kept her awake from all the throwing up. 
She woke up next to him and smiled. It felt like the dream she never had. She was jerked to reality when she felt a kick. She realized she wasn't doing the right thing, this man has kicked her away, took her children and left her in emptiness. But he came near her, disarming her with his smile and touching her with love. 
They made love. She dressed up to leave and slipped the marble staircase she climbed 6 hours ago. He looked and called for help before walking back to his room. She was injured in her head, her body lay in the pool of her own blood and she breathed as if it was her last breath. 

One more time she was rejected. One more time her love failed and One more time her child died. She moved on. Traumatized, she vowed never to see him again. 

She was expecting again. It had been 2 years since she went through all that trauma. This time she was in Mumbai where her husband was busy with his work and she was summoned to be with him until her delivery. 

She went into the hotel's cafe and asked for a decaf espresso. She saw him. She sat still, chills running down her spine. He came closer, disarming her with his presence. 

' why are you here? don't you remember what happened last time I was with you ...

' smell your hands, the scent of hina should be of help' He said with a kind smile and a warm engulfing hug .

Alpha Widow - 1

Does it break my heart? it does, every day and in more little pieces than you can count. They say there's a gift of tongues, I may posses that. I say something and it begins to happen. It terrifies me sometimes. You remember the last time I smelt your breathe? the last time I hugged you? the last time I could kiss your neck or dissolve into you?
I remember every bit of it. I remember your smell. I remember your touch and its softness. I crave your love and care. I crave your warmth. I wish I could bathe the Ganges and wash away my sins but love doesn't have the Ganges to wash away its awful past or bring back the happiness. If it does have anything then it has the path of 'prayishchit' that is repenting and fixing. But fixing something always leaves behind cracks. Cracks that always stay.
I repent everyday that I meet new people. I repent what I have lost and those I hurt. I know being an adult you must carry your scars in pride. But I am not made of iron.
I am not iron lady.
Come back baby, mama misses you.
Come back baby's dad, even though he's not with us but his mama missed you.
Come back dear lost family.
Maybe this is karma's way of telling me why I must repent !?

Mercy,
x