Sugar at the bottom of my Coffee

I could see, red brick houses,Trees with a brilliant green tinge, clean slate-ish stones, smoke-less pollution, rain with a chill andit's yearning for home, for warmth and maybe for peace. The city is beautiful, they say beauty has a beastful face too; to what i've not yet to discover . Hours of awake-ness, no beeps , nothing like love. Oh, I'm sick at the thought of love.
Was this a new beginning? another heartache? what was happing ?

One Morning...
I lay still in bed, with the wind and chill blowing outside; I lay in my soft warm bed clinged to my cell phone, probably waiting for a text message, maybe an email , maybe an inbox on facebook,maybe something like an indication of  space .
Then, hope loses i't's life slowly, the sweetend coffee loses it's sweetness- it goes to the bottom of the mug to unsweeten itself and I remember that in this place - Love can be lost not found.

I wake up, set the water boiling, wash the cup, lay the table ,what I saw was the absence of sugar from my  mug. I could see my face clearly in the reflection of the mug. Emptiness. Yearning. Heartache. Maybe new beginnings.Clueless. Was love even a part of me anymore? Had it gone stone cold?

This time, I pour just boiling water to a bag of  "chai" , some brown sugar and lemon . He died when I last switched off my phone, maybe I should just accept it. Accept the raw-ness of new life. Just accept . Maybe wait...
And still I wait, with tears, with fear, with something I feel is pricky ...

WAIT-ING !!!


PS - "Were those tears or her regular early morning allergic lacrimation? She didn't know. She was blank, empty. As empty as the cup she was holding. As clueless as the woman in the mug. " - Juhi Puri

Lots Of Love

Tears. Thick dark tears . Painful drops . Of anger. Of pain. Of grief. Of confusion. Of yearning .
Kohl tears , with thick dark round eyes- beauty had now taken over curse.

I think it's yearning , randomly picked at a vast extension  of dark sheet full of mind boggling circumstances or so.
I think, I need a big hug ; maybe just for a second but I need like oxygen has missed it's way to my body , like that of a burning sensation .

I don't know if it's sentimental moment or so; or that of pressure ; or just emotional transition .....I feel as if my heart ( the one my mind thinks not my body's actual heart) has gone through a clean click ; as if it's something on the brink of breaking yet not able to.
I think, I can't explain weather my head hurts more or it's just a wee feeling - it's not a good one though; it's that of a newly wed bride who's never been away from home ;maybe of a child who never visited hostel ; maybe of a person performing last rites ; maybe of something missing and yet having a feeling of it's presence.

From ' the local tea party's pot

The ones that made us

See the thing is, I don’t know where to start. Where it started with YOU I am able to remember and all. But then, what to say, how to say, that is a little difficult. It has been so many years no…

And yet, after so many years, I am not able to forget you. You know why? Because of the things you have done to me!

Boss what is the problem if I went running down the corridor, shouting at the top of my voice? Immediately you will stop and pull my hair and scold. And while pulling my hair only you will realise ki I have not had my haircut on time and scold me for that also. Because of you, even today I am getting restless if I don’t get a haircut on time!

What is your job and what you are doing? You want to teach means teach but why you are threatening me all the time? I am thinking ki they actually paid you to scare the hell out of me just by glaring at me. Especially with your glasses and all, your eyes looked even bigger! My god, how scary! And I am still thinking you are the reason I get scared even today whenever I see someone with wide-open eyes.

And you know something? It is now officially in my DNA to look around first before speaking out an unparliamentary word. I’m just making sure you are not around when I am saying the bad word. See what you have done to me!

Best is, for anything and everything you will threaten to call my parents and complain about me. And at home, you know what my parents will do? They will threaten to complain about me to you! Arey! What kind of game was this? And I was getting so much worried about who will complain what to whom!

All this despite the fact that I was so much impressed by you.

I liked the way you had command over English so much, that it often sent me stammering while talking to you because I didn’t want you to ridicule me in front of others. And I always thought you deliberately used cursive writing on the blackboard to mock at my useless handwriting.

You wowed me with your intelligence by giving answers to every question I asked. And I knew what kind of questions to ask you because certain kinds of questions and certain kinds of actions attracted violent physical reactions from you, that is a different story.

And oh, I even had a crush on you because I liked the way you dressed.

No no, I am not saying ki you are bad or that you made me feel bad and all. In fact, it is the opposite.

I may be an average person today, but you never made me feel average. Somehow, at least one of you had something nice to say about me. At least one of you said I was good. At least one of you stayed back every day after work for me because you felt responsible for my future.

But you see, after you left, a lot of people replaced you.

Unlike you, they didn’t scold me for fighting with others. They actually told me that everyone around me was my competitor and that I had to ‘fight the world’ to survive.  Maybe because you knew something that these guys didn’t know. Maybe you knew that the guy I was fighting with, was not my competitor but would actually become a friend for life.

They didn’t ask me to stop running around or even slow down, because they only said I had to run hard if I had to stay in the same place.

They stopped worrying about how much I absorbed. They were only interested in how much I could give. They said they had a job to do. But nobody said they had a responsibility.

At least once, I had wished I would become someone like you. But I did not. And you probably expected that to happen, because you knew me better than anyone else. But I also think you are expecting something else to happen.

You are probably sitting in your chair with your big eyes reading something, expecting me to come up meekly and say, Happy Teacher’s Day.

Even in my underpants, I feel different ...

  Sometimes when u look at yourself and the thoughts u tend to pen down in an instant change just in the the journey of logging in to ur blog and clicking 'write a new post' ...similarly I have a question, some answers and a typical statement - Okay let's start with the statement

When I think everything is fine, then I go paranoid . Then, i make sure my saturine self is satisfied with the powers she owns. But in all of the hassle the thing is , the love u have had and shall have has the biggest difference; what the future holds and is still putting in ur picture will make a difference if u forgive urself and move on from the past to more meaningful things in ur life. The worst emotion can just be bitter yearning and that all, nobody can better understand this . But the truth is, that particular time is still far away ...like it or not - U gotta wait at-least for the span u will work on ur self, improve, forgive and reach the budding stage. 
The Physics Of Quest  states that if ur ready to leave behind everything familiar and comforting and venture out in the wild to treat every experience and person u meet as a teacher to forlorn in the new existence of being ; is where u will find that nothing matters until u feed yourself enough, forgive urself to ur heart's content and then fall in love with a fresh start of sacrifice and  tireless dedication , then is the time u pray and ask with a rightful mind . 
slitting wrists are common things people often do when they're heart broken , why don't they try to love tirelessly , why don't they move on to better things or just bloody cry for a while. 

My Question is , why have been who I've been ...could I not be a better person? what desire of transcendence drove me to a spiritual retreat, to even be upset , write about it or feel an emotion , I had to learn from The Physics Of Quest ...consistently ! 

The horrors I saw then, a pitiful parade of all my failings, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy,arrogance, I didn't blink from any of it, though it said "   show me ur shame ""    When I tried to invite these units of shame in my heart , they each hesitated at the door saying, ' No- u don't want me there ...don't u know what I did ?' and I would now say , "    I do want u ,I do. Even ur welcome here , It's okay . U are forgiven . you're a part of me . U can rest now...it's over "   
Pledge, no matter what...u must stay calm and beautiful , no matter how worse it is - it will work out. Just hold on to ur tears and not crib ; just hold on . 

Because in the end of the day, bitter yearning, sulking and such wont change that laughing or giggling doesn't change the fact that u are happy or upset , u gotta do it all on ur own and learn that whatever happens , should work out for the best - least, u must try so . 

Again, in the end , though , maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives . In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and just keep saying thank you , forever and sincerely , for as long as we have voices .

Sin

"Their sin was that they believed. Believed they could be different. Special. They believed they could change what they were--damaged, unloved. Cast-off things. They would be alive, adored, needed. Necessary. But it wasn't true. This is a ghost story remember? A tragedy. They were misled. Betrayed by their own stupid hopes. Things couldn't be different for them, because they weren't special after all. So life took them, led them, and they went along, you see? They faded before their own eyes, till they were nothing more than living ghosts, haunting each other with what could be. With what can't be."

Brooklyn wind

what I learnt about finishing school is ettiquette, what i learnt about growing up is , it's just that u learn to comuflauge ur sorrow sort of hide it , growing up is nothing but a broken heart, an aching body and an empty mind !

PS: ignore the errors ...