Circle of light

After reading an awful story of a woman accused of murder and later manslaughter of her husband Deepak, I realize it is the duty of every woman to teach her sons to respect women and honor their promises.
Because domestic violence is a huge circle, this story or many others were just a part yet much are yet to be discovered.
To all the women, U must find your honor urself and not be dependent on men to bestow u with any of such .
Tribute to Kiranjit Ahaluwalia who could raise the courage to fight back a 10 year emotional, physical and psychological violence ...

After my heart just sank of all the thoughts

Sometimes u just want to sit down, in ur cold room , in ur safe and warm blanket . In ur room with no lights switched on and no smell . Just a silent dark room, a soft blanket and a bouncy bed..maybe with a nice pillow .
Sometimes silence itself becomes deafening enough that an empty cold room makes u want to scream to a limit where u can't hear urself anymore .
Sometimes silence is just golden.
Sometimes, I want to sit alone at night, sleepless and lay still in my bed, thinking of just nothing but detoxifying my mind of all the thoughts .
Just plain silence......where do u find it ?

The 109th bead

sometimes when I sit and wonder about a situation it gives me a double response. On one hand it says, everything is going to positive and ugly and on the other end it says it's still going to be negative and disheartening.Sometimes it's easier to forgive and let go than holding it and fighting to prove yourself right. Sometimes u have ample random evidence and sometimes u have nothing, sometimes jokes become serious stories and serious stories become a matter of disbelief. Sometimes, there's a hell lot of confusion, between love and being a broken heart, between punishment  and forgiveness , between love and resentment , between everything...To all those who believe that there's nothing huge about breaking someone's trust or such; must know that shattering someone's trust in u is the worst thing u will ever do to that person. Always remember, when someone trusts u with their heart and mind , they believe that u will not betray them and keep up as promised . When trust is broken, u may never know he/she will never be able to trust anything again. We all, regardless of who we become and what we do must never betray those who love us, provide us with support when everyone's backed out because they believed in u when nobody did and that does require courage .
I remember fasting and crazily praying when he did have problems to deal with, exams to pass ...when nothing made him believe that it was all going to be fine - I did believe that no matter how or what, god always answers my prayers and he will do it for him too.
This time, I just want to pray one more time for that 'kutta' in the hope that success, happiness and faith bestow him ; like it or not I hope - everything is fine , that nothing makes him believe that it was always going to be a fuck up.
I know I hold no right to say this or pray so..but I know one thing for sure - Karma always bids for it's power .

Oppoturnity Cost

Nearly  days on the same bed and the same room is annoying. Weakness. Agony. Exhaustion.
My trips only count from kitchen to couch and back. I just blog blog when I'm awake. Maybe I'm shattered now to millions of bits and pieces in pin points. For a while it feels happy to know that finally I'm going to be independent and free to become an identity of my own yet there's this thin wall of sorrow that wont just let u see the positive part of it.
Anything u do or buy has an opportunity cost, you've got to give up something for get something else . However, sometimes the cost is huge and sometimes nothing compared to what u get in return.
I just don't feel happy anymore , I just am sick and tired and what cost is this meant to be :(
* ughh !!!*

Nothing Matters

Initially I said to myself - it was going to be okay. Sometimes all u can do is not not think, not wonder, not imagine, no obsess , not cry ...just breathe and have faith that it will work out for the best .
And then there is this painstaking task of being yourself and being okay , which until then just lived by hopes and good dreams for a beautiful future is shattered in a click of a second. It's like covering your body in some sort of a acidic solution , it burns and exhausts . There will be thickness in those tears, now the flow is often more often.
it's a clean and deep one, millions of droplets of blood flow out and then there is this pain as if millions of needles poked and pulled simultaneously.
Initially it seemed to get over soon, but now it hurts like the creepiest shit.
I guess nothing matters any more, weather u move on or stay, u wake up or not, u wear red white or blue , u are fat or skinny , u cry or not, the skype network stays or not, u go on a holiday or not, u have long hair or not  or what college u go to and what subject u study ...just nothing matters.
There's this void now, un-sure & uncertain if it'd like to fill in sometime soon yet it's going to be there.
There are 2 kinds of sorrow, painful and the one that changes u ...I still don't know which one is this. It's the sorting illness which unsettles itself on ur weak body. Something that will just stay numb ...it wont just want to go back to how it was.  Trust is what u musn't do and yet I must tell u that u have no right to hurt somebody or dis-honor them- U have to whether u like it or not , respect them and respect what u recieve. Karma bids for it's power- soon it should

I'm too tired now
 

Darkening

For the past so many days, it's been weird how I literally hog on food , pills and coke .
I hog on tons of chocolate
tons of cheese - plain ...just off the spoon.
Bottles of coke and soul food - Maggie
I read till I want to, sleep when I like and leave my phone carelessly around.
It's not normal, it's stark but I guess it's reality .
No matter how much you hog on to food or gallons of coke or sleep or watch TV ...it does not bring them back or make things beautiful again.
*Just superbly upset *

Maktoob - Fate

Jitho dekho javan nadiyan, jiss di eh ruth vasant ni sakhion

Uddi lakh patang ni sakhiyon, ekkoh hi tunkha aisa bajiya

Ohh gayi tuth gayi dor ni saayion, kudi eehno beeh gayi jood ni saayion

Dduron jissda rang uthida,ek niika jeiya daag ni maaye

Dekh tihyan de bhag ni maaye, dekh tiehan de bhag ni maaye 

The empty starkness, I...in the vacuum of my  own self . I dreading my fast, my long fast. As if I've been carved of flesh. Hungry. Tired. Exhausted. Breathing. 

In the glamor of our generation, we often forget the plight of others .

The devil you know

As I sit down, stare at the wall...it reminds me how he said it was his favorite thing to do. He was all around me , everywhere. Now, he's gone. I don't know what happened was right or wrong but it feels like a sorting numbness. A transition into a bad dream. How could a man who dearly loved you, promised to marry you would just break away from his relationship. Maybe blood ties stronger but had he never realized that she will die without him. Despite outnumbered trials, I'm alive. I have to be...Lord alone knows why.
Now his smell, his sayings, his messages, his love ...He itself scrapped every little bit of me. Who will believe what I say, why will I want to lose this person...why will anyone not love such a man.
In my absolute absence, I hope he's alive, he's breathing, he's eating...I hope everything is going to be okay.
Because I believe, what was - was beautiful and what will be - will be for it's best. I love him, it's true. I want him to be be happy , it's true. Destiny is our game, let it play.
Always remember, I was and shall always look around for you. I know, I'm innocent..because when you're good , goodness sounds you., good people do, good things do.
Dear god, I know you listen to me...this time I'm just praying for the other end of me.
** guess, I'm exhausted...**