Mumbradevi Times

This is my first account of a trip I took myself to the city I have grown to see as a cosmopolitan woman who is fierce yet graceful. I have never done this before and she came like a raging other bear at me with her heat, vast sea and ever so Maharashtrian-ness. I loved her but as they say she's fatal.
I landed late night and checked into a five star, showered and ordered dinner as usual post flight behavior but what was really different this time was that the man I loved was with me. He got me a 'cutting' chai and a pack of my favorite cigarettes. I looked at him with such love because before this I had parted with a heavy heart where I knew my relationship with him was coming to an end very soon but this time I saw him in new light. I was there. I was with him. I was there to fix the broken pieces.
I think I loved it more because I was in love with an Indian engineer who was part south Indian, part Maharashtrian and wholly Punjabi. He was my right mix. I loved his country, his lifestyle, his city but I was secretly    being choked in the name of love. No matter what efforts I made to save my relationship, it was slipping away little by little. I thought I could give my fragile little heart to someone else who might jerk it in the right place and reset me. But love doesn't work that way, it is like that scab you keep picking off your bruise despite knowing that every time you do this, it is going to bleed and hurt a lot more than last time. But whatever happens , you keep doing this because you become used to this pain and every time it bleeds, you see a little bit of you flowing away with it and that makes you happy in a very sadistic way.

I woke him up, we had a coffee and proceeded for breakfast. We has eggs and waffles. I had some bacon with it. I liked how this was going.
I smoked and headed for my room, he lay there in his boxers. I climbed to him and made plans until I headed for a luxury shower on Italian marble floor served with lilac scent towels.
We headed out to a fusion bar where I had some weird tasting cocktail and he had a beer served with oily and spicy chilly chicken. The rest of the day went in a buzz, I went shopping for a bit and had dinner with my sister-in-law.  She is woman with a heart of gold, least I see her in that light. 

Hina Ki Khusboo ( The scent of Heena) - Alpha Widow

She sat there engulfed in the scent of her wedding heena, smiling ear to ear on the grand celebration of her wedding. Her favorite song played and she danced in her crisp green Maharashtrian silk sari. She loved culture, she loved its mix and more than that she loved being happy to celebrate enough. But her wedding is only 1 day away wasn't scaring her as much as the thought of seeing him was. She was getting married to an anglo-indian hotelier who she met during her MBA in the US. He was a guest lecturer and she was asking too many questions. They met. Sparks. Love and all that happened.

He called her one day. Her past knocked right at their door. The love of her life, the father of her children. Her dead children. She walked with her wedding bangles clinking, her mangalsutra dangling from her stiletto like neck. 

' Hi'

'Namastey' He said. 

' I can't believe it is you, it has been a while' 

' But the tattoo you're trying to hide behind your sari is still there. Something tells me it hasn't been that long since you...' 

' I am happy where I am and I like wearing my scars'  she almost wept. 

' You're pregnant again ?' 

' I am. We were at a karvachaut pooja so I am all decked up' 

' It is mine. I know it and that's why I came here to give you this'  He said pulling out a roll of stamp papers from his coat. He has set up a trust fund for the future baby and made him the heir of everything he precisely owned. 

' I know you're still finding it hard to deal with the remains of this relationship and so am I. I know I slept with you before I got married but I never became pregnant then because me and Beqhtas have planned this baby. I can't take any of this you're here to offer.' She said.

' I...'

' Please go. I loved you but I need some time and I will come see you in your hotel tomorrow morning' She said hurriedly. 

She walked in the lobby, her shoes made a clacking noise. She walked towards a suite and knocked. He opened the door and welcomed her with wine. They had breakfast food with wine. She lay on his bed and dozed off because her pregnancy kept her awake from all the throwing up. 

She woke up next to him and smiled. It felt like the dream she never had. She was jerked to reality when she felt a kick. She realized she wasn't doing the right thing, this man has kicked her away, took her children and left her in emptiness. But he came near her, disarming her with his smile and touching her with love. 

They made love. She dressed up to leave and slipped the marble staircase she climbed 6 hours ago. He looked and called for help before walking back to his room. She was injured in her head, her body lay in the pool of her own blood and she breathed as if it was her last breath. 

One more time she was rejected. One more time her love failed and One more time her child died. She moved on. Traumatized, she vowed never to see him again. 

She was expecting again. It had been 2 years since she went through all that trauma. This time she was in Mumbai where her husband was busy with his work and she was summoned to be with him until her delivery. 

She went into the hotel's cafe and asked for a decaf espresso. She saw him. She sat still, chills running down her spine. He came closer, disarming her with his presence. 

' why are you here? don't you remember what happened last time I was with you ...

' smell your hands, the scent of hina should be of help' He said with a kind smile and a warm engulfing hug .

Alpha Widow - 1

Does it break my heart? it does, every day and in more little pieces than you can count. They say there's a gift of tongues, I may posses that. I say something and it begins to happen. It terrifies me sometimes. You remember the last time I smelt your breathe? the last time I hugged you? the last time I could kiss your neck or dissolve into you?
I remember every bit of it. I remember your smell. I remember your touch and its softness. I crave your love and care. I crave your warmth. I wish I could bathe the Ganges and wash away my sins but love doesn't have the Ganges to wash away its awful past or bring back the happiness. If it does have anything then it has the path of 'prayishchit' that is repenting and fixing. But fixing something always leaves behind cracks. Cracks that always stay.
I repent everyday that I meet new people. I repent what I have lost and those I hurt. I know being an adult you must carry your scars in pride. But I am not made of iron.
I am not iron lady.
Come back baby, mama misses you.
Come back baby's dad, even though he's not with us but his mama missed you.
Come back dear lost family.
Maybe this is karma's way of telling me why I must repent !?

Mercy,
x

Switch

Everyday when I wake up, I see a broken woman in a garb of a iron. One night she was looking at a very pretty lady from far away and admiring her for how perfect her life looked but as you get closer, the cracks begin to show up. It is strange how we put up a show but the curtains are ripped, it is strange how everything is constantly falling apart and you can either be a respectful spectator or create a ruckus because either way you have started to slip.
One night I was asleep, I dreamed of math problems dancing around. This was the first sign of that calamity within me.
One night I woke up in sweat, I was my breaking point. I quickly had some water and went on a run.
The following morning was enlightening, I was numb. I felt a stabbing pain everywhere and then it started to slow down. The lights became brighter, the sounds faded. I wanted that feeling to last forever.