5 Best Things - I want or Maybe

There are million things I want to do before I'm going to die or even grow old.

1) Skydiving - one thing I realy want to do before I'm dead or old or to haggered to sky dive.
2) To have 'gola' - it's an indian ice ball ,expense less actually and street food . Something I'd just want to have everyday . Awwh !
3) To learn how to cook 'Kali dal' - Another indian lentil soup, made with one the most expensive ingredients and sometimes not.
4) To sit shut in a Dark Room and not come out - just be there with no food, no water and no sound ; just a vacume .
5) and this is one I'm  yet to figure out

One Cold Night

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”
― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

Today, even though I'm in a vacume that can put you through a lifetime suffering , it makes me suffer when I see you ruining yourself . And today, I regret every minute of that night , every minute of hope I had from you ; every minute and shingle of hope . I regret that night when I believed you . But I know my feeling for you and my love was chaste, I could protect you if  Ihad to protect you from fire by covering you ; despite the knowing that we'll burn in the end. It's okay to protect your intermost self, because you know that keeping a poker face will give you an upper hand over me. But what right and moment do you deserve to gamble with emotions - your emotions , my emotions and everyone else who closely loves you. For once, say it out fearlessly , without the thought of consequence - I'm sure that's what you need to sometimes do when you have hurt somebody to scrape their soul away .
I feel like screaming in pain, I feel like suiciding but can I do that? Am I allowed?
You win; I lose .Now please forgive me and let me breathe .

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

Aanan Faanan

अब्ब मेरी रूह्ह  भी मुझसे अलग हो चली है, मेरी आत्मा मुझसे हार चुकी है .
मुझमे और आप्पमें  फरक यह है की मैय्ने आपको आपनी रूह मे जगह दी और आपने उस्सी रूह को मेरे तन से अलग कर दिया .
प्यार एक स्वाभाविक मौत मर जाता है, कभी नहीं. यह मर जाता है क्योंकि हम नहीं जानते कि कैसे अपने स्रोत की भरपाई करने के लिए. यह अंधापन और त्रुटियों और गद्दारों के मर जाता है.यह बीमारी और घाव के मर जाता है, यह थकावट से मर जाता है..
जीवन तुम्हे तोड़ देता है , एकांत भी तुम्हें अपनी तड़प के साथ तोड़ देगा

Dasvidaniyan

I know I've lost it now. I think now Ineed to enter that dark room from where you do not come out to be a normal person , because 'he' has proven that no matter what - i don't deserve to be happy nor does a smile on my face look good enough. Maybe now, i'm going to give them but no more of them , nothing more of anything....i'm going to go away from everything that has loved me, anyone who's loved me and i'm going to disappear into thin air and not even my particle shall be discovered again . I'm going to enter that dark room - without food or water  or light or air, from where nobody came back as themselves again- the greatest suffering is being snatched away from ur inner self and where was i lost- god alone knows  !

Mumbai and Moomba Devi

When I go back to the thought of Mumbai, I wonder how beautiful that place is- tattered to pieces yet stands strong, it’s calm yet dangerously ringing patience and the place itself.

I think the people of Mumbai deserve a tribute , they are too patient. They can lose their loved ones and go back to work next day, they can lose their home and move on to life, they can face all atrociousness and still be alive.

When I think about Mumbai, the placed named after the goddess Moomba Devi , I wonder what would it be like if I was still there , what would it be like if I belonged there?

If I can wait then I’d wait for him , maybe till I can remember him and maybe till I know how to love but I cannot wait any longer, he must know pretty well, that I’ve forgotten how to love and wait any longer ;that I have lost my memory in an accident that killed a lot of things ; that I’ve been shattered into a million hundred tiny bits that don’t even matter anymore , maybe they have dissolved into Mumbai’s ocean …it’s engulfment body .

Nobody is going to understand how important are you, nobody wants to even know. Your priority is ur future  but don’t make it without me; nobody but only you have to understand that I yearn for you, for us .

Only you can understand the intensity and complexity of its depth , it’s true I can assure you but only you can believe it and only you can break me or make a miracle happen .

Anticipation, so much of it; Yearning, so much of it….can I ask you to teach me, how should I make you swallow me ?

Bah, love !! L

Tattered

I know i'm away from you, I know you probably dont need me , I know I should let you know :

it's my faith that has tattered but i yearn for you, solitude breaks me with its yearning and know I can barely walk . I want you to know that there's nobody else I can love this way, yearn for or be faithful too, I know my tears irritate you , my faith dismantles your thoughts but if you've taught me how to love you , can you teach me how to un-love you ?
I want you to now that i'm there for you no matter what, I support you no matter right or wrong , I trust you even if u push me down the cliff saying it's a surprise .
In what words is it like to comprehend, I truly love you and nothing else can change that and nobody but only you have to learn to believe that .
Before I wilt away.

Dark Room

Dark Room a silly childhood game; most of us, regardless of origin have played it once in a lifetime. In such a game, ur not afraid of darkness inside the room because u know there will be light soon.

However>>>

When a normal person is shut in a dark room without food or water and nothing around , the person does not come out to be a normal person again. Something's gone terribly wrong and something has definately gone missing - The person himself.
The worst suffering that could happen is when the person is snatched away from himself, the taking away of self being. Not home, not money or work but the loss of self being.
I think everybody deserves to be loved, i think I deserve to be love by 'him' yet only if I can live with all his conditions and be happy the way he keeps me- in poverty or luxuary , if I can support him no matter he's wrong , if I can devote myself 100% to him and if I can fight the world for him .>>>only then , when I've seen enugh hardship, I deserve to be loved truly . I now I love him truly, he doesn't ...I know I'm all loyal to him and I will just need his presence nothing else , his love not his success then I think he should know, I truly and with all my soul have loved and shall do till I breathe. When death comes, it doesn't inform u of it's coming , its not when u stop breathing and ur body has stopped all funcution but its when u have been tattered with the absence of their love and warmth.
I believe - my family is my 'astitva' but he's why I want to live and he is only the 'why' I would want to devote myself to a lot of things.

Unbriddled

A long happy day after long, maybe someone had blessed me with blessings..maybe it was the woman up there in stars, maybe it was 'Grandmom'
Oh I miss her, I don't know what it would have been like if I had seen her or hugged her. But I missed her for sure.
It was a happy -happy day, just perfect !
But  I missed 'him' . Yearned for his hug, for his presence, for the warmth of his breath, for his voice...probably everything.
I was drawn into yearning for him, solitude too broke me with it's yearning. .
I stood motionless, my mind went berserk, soul went to rattles and I froze into cotton like ice; touch me and I'll collapse.

“The feeling, the irrepressible yearning to return, suddenly reveals to her the existence of the past, the power of the past, of her past; in the house of her life there are windows now, windows opening to the rear, onto what she has experienced; from now on her existence will be inconceivable without these windows.”
― Milan Kundera, Ignorance

The yearning sadness of a farewell stole plaintively across my heart as I recalled those sweet sessions when sI stood with him in the shadowy upper reaches of the wall size mirror listening to his murmured tale of promises. I felt that happiness being furtively withdrawn, stolen by sly hands which I could not resist. No longer would he feed the deep longing in my heart; no more could I escape, through him, those bleak lonelinesses which sometimes stole upon me.

A crude way to put the whole thing is that our presence culture is, both develeopmentally and historically, adolescent. And since adolescence is acknowledged to be the single most stressful and frightening period of human development – the stage when adulthood we claim to crave begins to present itself as a real and narrowing system of responsibilities and limitation (taxes, death) and when we yearn inside for a return to the same childish oblivion we pretend to scorn – it’s not difficult to see why we as a culture are so susceptible to art and entertainment whose primary function is escape, i. e. fantasy, adrenaline, spectacle, romance, etc

The blackberry's

The Blackberry's are a little too crazy sometimes. You'll see them stuck to a tiny gadget, sometimes blankly staring at it.
Sometime's blackberry's bring in silly jokes, good news, free crap ...and sometimes the catastrophic messages, sometimes beautiful beginnings and sometimes...yearning.
it's crazy, and the yearning is for something very silly - for them to see the message, for them to reply to the message, for them to send an emoticon or maybe just PING !
Fatal, when there's no edge network...when there's no money to fill in BB charges, and worst when messages are read, calls completed, pictures accepted yet - No Reply .
I dont know why am I writing on blackberry's , its so random but it does drive u crazy in anticipation ...bleh !

Amare

Obviously this is another Latin translation but there's no more of Latin in here, promise .

 

When  I met you, I didn't know how intelligent or dumb u were , I didn't know how good looking people rated u as, I didn't know if I could not trust for some unknown reason and I didn't even know that I wasn't worth it. 

When I met you, I gave in my trust to u in all respect, I loved what I felt- devoid of trouble, cheerful and carelessly amazing.

When I was falling, itold myself no ; when I heard the word 'adore' I had fallen already and I realized that I should love carelessly , devote myself to it and I'm sure - this will be the last person I might have to forget.

When I was falling, I couldn't calulate how perfect u were and how imperfect was I; it was farthest of thoughts. I didn't know how successful shall I or u be but I knew that u were the one worth it.

I thought making u laugh, getting u mad, realization and frienship was more than enough for u to hold on to me for a lifetime. Maybe Ican't give u every tiny second I have, but I can give the part Iknow u can break - my heart. I wanted u to never hurt me, analyze me or doubt me for I can only give the most I can. I want u to smile when I make u happy, hug me when u need one, kiss my forehead when I'm lost and walk with me - not behind me , not ahead of me but JUST WITH ME.

I want u to miss me when I'm not there, I want you to effortlessly fall for me and make every effort to be with me.

When I fell for u , my idea of the man who would pamper like his baby was lost...my idea remained in the bubble of love . Love that had hurt me; love that had given me sleepless nights ; love that made me pray like a hopeless hindered being and love, that didn't make me matter to anything or anyone but just that one person.

When I look at u, it gives me a kind of assurance that maybe u'll never disappear into thin air.

The last thing I know, when I'm with  you - my heart rending self has gone and I'm happy . Yet it depends how much my happiness matters, how much of u and I matter ....I just hope, that this time hope wont fade away, that it wont feel like life was becoming a long anticipation of a kind, that this isn't a row of dominoes .

I want morning and noon and nightfall with you. I want your tears, your smiles, your kisses, our hopes and our achievements...the smell of your hair, the taste of your skin, the touch of your breath on my face. I want to see you in the final hour of my life...to lie in your arms as I take my last breath.

I dont know if  my last breath is when I'm actually going to die, I will wilt away the very minute you've gone. And I know that pretty well.

Domatis

Domatis, the Latin word for 'attic' . Please forgive the Language Obsessed Posts since it's my new found love for Latin . I somehow cant help it.
An attic is a space found directly below the pitched roof of the building , sometimes used as bedrooms, fully converted windows and sometimes in true senses - used as a place for discarded stuff.  Sometimes people do that to you, use u as the attic then discard the entire attic, but often do u walk out of them? how much and tll what extent? And is anyone going to read this? Is anyone going to ever reply ? Is anyone going to ever listen to the detailed music?
Once E.M. Forster said -

“It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.”

 

I can barely do that myself sometimes, I wonder ...

A new life awaits  me, a new crowd of people and a golden opportunity out in the blue; yet I was ready to stake all for one person , for his sake , for something of nothingness yet it fills the void .

I can believe that you've wanted to go , and ignored and yet even if I try my best, I can't let you go away from the inside of me. Even if I try to be annoyed or busy, heartbroken or hurt..I just can get the thought of you  outside my head. What does it take for you to go away?

Or is it that, no matter what Ido ...you wont go !!?

*sigh*

Dolebit

Dolebit, is the Latin word for Ache. Heart ache does so many things to you, so many unknown weird things.
it takes ur mind off, it renders you to a stick for a life time.
it makes you miserable during your day and makes u want to come home and hide.
it makes u fight with depression and tears that burn down ur eyes.
it makes u so helpless at times
it gives u a merciless headache
it takes away ur sleep
it gives u nothing but - a stick to walk with , all ur life. 

Maybe u can delete their mssgs, their pictures , burn their gifts to ashesor maybe even stop talking like them....but can u erase the memory of past? can u erase ur love them? can u erase them from the inside of u ?
I guess not ...!!

italiano, mi manca il mio pezzo mancante - In italian, I miss my missing piece

The translations are highlighted .

Voi sapete ciò che il collega ha detto - in Italia, per trent'anni sotto i Borgia, hanno avuto guerra, terrore, omicidi e spargimenti di sangue, ma hanno prodotto Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci e il Rinascimento. In Svizzera hanno avuto amore fraterno, avevano cinquecento anni di democrazia e di pace - e la cosa che producono? L'orologio a cucù
A volte la bellezza emerge dalla dolorosa verità oscura, una sorta di dolore che non poteva non farsi sentire. E venne il giorno in cui il rischio di rimanere stretta in un bocciolo era più doloroso del rischio che ha preso a fiorire. Sono passati più di 24 ore, lungo 24 ore ... che hanno cominciato a sembrare giorni o forse anni, mi sentivo come se avessi perso qualcosa all'interno di me. Perché mi manca quella parte dove mi era inesistente, dove c'era menzogna pianura, dove è stato usato io per garanzie fisiche. Perché non ero disgustata, disposto a presentare un caso o perché quel trambusto dentro di me non c'era più? Se avessi amato così tanto?
La parte migliore di tutte le parti era, ero tornato al mio vecchio io ... fare le facce in un bicchiere di latte, studiare fino alle 4 del mattino, utilizzare Skype, fare le cose casuali e il migliore di tutti ... Mi sentivo persa e ora sono tornato al vecchio me stesso ... ora posso andare a piagnucolare di nuovo, fare i cuori fiasco e ora avrei potuto affrontare una persona di sicuro vale a dire Surjo. Lui era lì per quando ho bisogno di lui, ma ne è venuto a me. Penso, credo davvero che merita una cosa chiamata l'esattezza di me. Penso che stavo per dare che per lui, per ora. Non tutti merita l'amore, non i valori di tutti ama e non tutti capiscono - che, quando esiste qualcuno nella tua vita, devi rispettare, amare loro e fare qualsiasi cosa possibile per assicurarsi di aver dato il tuo meglio in amore per loro. La sorpresa è, che l'amore rimane per sempre, ma quando u decidere di non amare e basta prendere un rapporto per scontato, un giorno in cui hai amato allo stesso modo e hai fatto male ... vi sentirete come un vecchio Grave Yard in cui l'esistenza del nulla esiste, dove passare è il peggiore di tutti, dove le lacrime bruciano gli occhi e dove non si può sorridere più.


"A volte quando ti guardo, sento che sto guardando una stella lontana.E 'brillante, ma la luce è da decine di migliaia di anni fa.Forse la stella non esiste nemmeno più. Eppure a volte che la luce sembra più reale per me di ogni altra cosa.
Vado a portarvi fuori di qui ... Io vado a prendere a casa, al mondo in cui si appartiene, in cui i gatti con la coda piegata dal vivo, e ci sono piccoli cortili, e di allarme anello di orologi al mattino
Ognuno di noi ha qualcosa di speciale che possiamo ottenere solo in un momento particolare della nostra vita. come una piccola fiamma. Un attento, pochi fortunati a cuore quella fiamma, nutrirla, tenerla come una torcia per illuminare il loro cammino. Ma una volta che la fiamma si spegne, è andato per sempre "
- *****




"La legge presiede cose di questo mondo, finalmente. Il mondo dove l'ombra è l'ombra e la luce è luce, è yin yin e yang è yang, io sono io e lui è lui. 'Io sono io e / Lui è lui / vigilia autunno.' Ma tu non appartieni a quel mondo, figliolo. Il mondo di appartenenza che è al di sopra o sotto di essa. "
Quale è meglio? "Ho chiesto, per semplice curiosità." Sopra o sotto? "
Non è che uno dei due è meglio ", ha detto. Dopo un attacco di tosse breve, sputò un grumo di muco su un fazzoletto di carta e studiato attentamente prima di accartocciando il tessuto e gettandolo in un cestino." Non è una questione di migliore o peggio. Il punto è, di non resistere al flusso. Si sale, quando si suppone di andare su e giù quando si dovrebbe andare verso il basso. Quando sei dovuto andare, trovare la più alta torre e salire in cima. Quando si suppone di andare giù, trova il pozzo più profondo e andare fino in fondo. Quando non vi è flusso, stare fermo. Se resistere al flusso, si asciuga tutto. Se si asciuga tutto, il mondo è buio. 'Io sono lui e / Lui è me notte di primavera :/'. Abbandona l'auto, e ci sei. "- Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up uccello Chronicle

The fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock

Sometimes beauty emerges from painful dark truth,a kind of ache that could only be felt. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. It's been more than 24 hours, long 24 hours ...which have begun to seem like days or maybe years, I felt as if I had lost something on the inside of me. Why was I missing that part where I was non existent, where there was plain lie, where I was used for physical assurances. Why was I not disgusted, willing to file a case or why did that uproar inside me was no more? Had I loved this much?
The best part of all parts was , I was back to my old self...making faces at a glass of milk, studying till 4 am , skyping , doing random things and the best of all...I felt I was lost and now I'm returned back to the same old me...now I can go and blabber again, make hearts fall flat and now I could face one person for sure i.e. Surjo . He was there for when I needed him, however it came to me. I think, I really think he deserves a thing called the trueness of me. I think I was going to give that to him for now. Not everybody deserves love, not everybody values love and not everybody understands - that when someone exists in your life, you must respect them, love them and do any possible thing to make sure you've given your best in love for them. The surprise is- that love remains forever , but when u decide not to love and just take a relationship for granted; one day when you've loved the same way and you've been hurt ...you'll feel like an old grave yard where the existence of nothingness exists, where moving on is the worst of all, where tears burn your eyes and where you cannot smile anymore.

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.
I'm going to take you out of here ... I'm going to take you home, to the world where you belong, where cats with bent tails live, and there are little backyards, and alarm clocks ring in the morning
We each have a special something we can get only at a special time of our life. like a small flame. A careful, fortunate few cherish that flame, nurture it, hold it as a torch to light their way. But once that flame goes out, it’s gone forever”
- *****

“The law presides over things of this world, finally. The world where shadow is shadow and light is light, yin is yin and yang is yang, I'm me and he's him. 'I am me and / He is him/ Autumn eve.' But you don't belong to that world, sonny. The world you belong to is above that or below that."

Which is better?" I asked, out of simple curiosity. "Above or below?"

It's not that either one is better," he said. After a brief coughing fit, he spat a glob of phlegm onto a tissue and studied it closely before crumpling the tissue and throwing it into a wastebasket. "It's not a question of better or worse. The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you're supposed to go up and down when you're supposed to go down. When you're supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you're supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there is no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness. 'I am he and/ He is me:/ Spring nightfall.' Abandon the self, and there you are.”
― Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

 

When I depart from you, I discover a new self of me, I think I like it  and I still think I need you more than finding missing pieces of myself.

Icelandic Translation

English þýðir íslensku, sem er Indo Evrópu tungumál sem tilheyrir Norrænu útibú á germönskum tungumálum.

það er fuuny hvernig hjarta ache getur u elska tungumál, gera u trúi á sögu háttatíma mömmu um engla og djöfla og hversu sterkt intution getur verið.



"Ég held að þú elskar enn mig, en við getum ekki flúið þá staðreynd að ég er ekki nóg fyrir þig. Ég vissi að þetta var að fara að gerast. Þannig að ég ætla ekki að ásaka þig fyrir að falla í ást við aðra konu. Ég er ekki reiður, heldur. Ég ætti að vera, en ég er ekki. Mér finnst ég bara sársauka. A einhver fjöldi af sársauka. Ég hélt að ég gæti ímyndað mér hversu mikið þetta myndi meiða, en ég var rangt. "
- Haruki Murakami, sunnan landamæranna, West of the Sun

Thad ER sárt ad Lata fara. Stundum virðist mey erfiðara auglýsing Reyna ad halda mér eitthvað Eda einhver Meira mey Vill komast Burt. Thu Finnur eins Og einhvers konar glæpamaður for auglýsingin Hafa fundið, for ad Hafa vildi. For ad Hafa langað Til ad Vera vildi. Thad ruglar þig, því Thu heldur ad tilfinningar þínar Voru Rangárveitu Og mey gerir enn frekar finnst SVO lítið því mey ER SVO erfitt ad halda henni Inni minu Thu lætur mey Ut Og mey kemur not aftur. Þú ert vinstri SVO einn SEM Thu can not útskýrt. Fjandinn, mey ER ekkert eins Og þessi, ER mey? Ég hef verið þarna Og Thu has líka. Og ég, ég ER auglýsingin bíða enn?

Ég ER örugglega ... AMK haldin td.



Það er sárt að láta fara. Stundum virðist það erfiðara að reyna að halda í eitthvað eða einhver meira það vill komast burt. Þú finnur eins og einhvers konar glæpamaður fyrir að hafa fundið, fyrir að hafa vildi. Fyrir að hafa langað til að vera vildi. Það ruglar þig, því þú heldur að tilfinningar þínar voru rangar og það gerir þér finnst svo lítið því það er svo erfitt að halda henni inni þegar þú lætur það út og það kemur ekki aftur. Þú ert vinstri svo einn sem þú getur ekki útskýrt. Fjandinn, það er ekkert eins og þessi, er það? Ég hef verið þarna og þú hefur líka. Og ég, ég er að bíða enn?

Ég er örugglega ... amk held ég.

Íslenska

Íslenska means icelandic, an indo european language belonging to the Nordic branch of the Germanic languages.
it's fuuny how a heart ache can make u love languages, make u belive in mom's bedtime story of angels and demons and how strong intution can be.

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

 

Það er sárt að láta fara. Stundum virðist það erfiðara að reyna að halda í eitthvað eða einhver meira það vill komast burt. Þú finnur eins og einhvers konar glæpamaður fyrir að hafa fundið, fyrir að hafa vildi. Fyrir að hafa langað til að vera vildi. Það ruglar þig, því þú heldur að tilfinningar þínar voru rangar og það gerir þér finnst svo lítið því það er svo erfitt að halda henni inni þegar þú lætur það út og það kemur ekki aftur. Þú ert vinstri svo einn sem þú getur ekki útskýrt. Fjandinn, það er ekkert eins og þessi, er það? Ég hef verið þarna og þú hefur líka. Og ég, ég er að bíða enn?

Ég er örugglega ... amk held ég.

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. And I, am I still waiting?
I surely am ...least I think so .

 

Via ad Nusquam

Via ad Nusquam, meaning 'road to nowhere' in latin. My new found love for latin is incresingly crazy by the day, why was I beginning to like latin or should I rather say, why was I discovering an entirely new side of myself ?
What was happening to me?  I had a new hair style, a new tone , a rather unhealthy routine yet striving to workout even if it was 12 midnight ...
everything changed in a matter of hours, I moved from 'love' to the old self of mine. I was cheeky again, I was random once more and I prayed like a baby before stars once more. Why did I fall for an 'indian' guy? who has nothing but his ego or shall I quote ' uneven' innocence and attitude to throw ? why did I love him for he was like a far away bank of river, who could walk along if dragged, but never meet. Or was he like other men? cheap and disgusting? Sick to his head? Or was I just annoyed and paranoid?
I just dont know why did I , in the first place fall for him? What was it? He's not rich, he's not prince charming, he's not even charming. He's somehow a mere mess at times, so what was it? Why did I pray night and day for him to return back? where did he disappear into thin air?
Ibi est vetus Latine iocum, semel a ambulavit vir ad deum et dixit - 'amabo amabo placet me vincere in sortitio hodie.' Dies ille saepius. Unum die sttue ad vitam et dixit - meus filius, placere amabo placere buy tessera '

Above is an old latin joke, where a man goes before the statue of Jesus Christ everyday and asks him to let the man win the lottery today. He makes sure he does that daily, till one day when the statue comes to life and says - please please please get a ticket .

This is how some stuff works, you have to leave behind , forgive and learn to live without those who mattered the most. Those who will matter the most is MAMA and PAPA. They, despite what come may make sure that their tiny little baby , who couldn't walk , eat or even think once upon a time , is dependent enough to depend on nobody . Then why did I forget that mother who loved me from the day I was concieved till the day I'll die, How could I forget that father, who brought 6 pairs of the same shoe in diffrent colors, who never let a tear fall ..how could I forget that elder sister, who put me to sleep or that brother who , despite my nonsense hugged me...and said - ur my favourite fatty !
How did I forget tayaji who stayed awake all night so mum could sleep , or taiji who made glass candy , just for me?
Or my Best Friend, My sister..my baby sister who never let alone. Who supported me even if I was wrong..why did I ?
Why did I forget that family for and 'indian' who couldn't even walk by my side and I gave him the world.
Did he deserve this?
Did I deserve this catastrophe?
The storm had ended, and now it was plain flat land for another beginning.
Yet, why on earth...did this happen? where there was a road to nowhere...to nothingness or greater love and faith awaited ?
Was he coming back?
Mundi, etiam u retinebimus; et lapsus

olorcillo

Olorcillo, which means Whiff in spanish. I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem.


“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum 

Why did u have to go? 
I could have worked things out...I could have set everything right if only , just if only I had u.  
 U have no right to make me love you if u cant love me, u have no right to be scared without me, u have no right to be out there...I'm still waiting, but nothing waits forever....what does?
you came in like a whiff of air, now...ur gone.Are u ?

An incomplete call

I've always been the woman in control , the one who could conquer everthing .
And today, in the protection of his family, from evil ...dark and mere nothingness, he won the battle.
I have never felt so powerless before, never felt so lonely before. And today, for the first time, I've lost it all .
could I apologize?
could I do anything about it?
could I call , just to say...
the relationship was for namesake, i dont want anything but ur presence, ur silly jokes, our old laughter...i miss that the most ; not love,not kissing, not hugging...just friendship.

Eleven Minutes - Is it the book or the thought itself ?

“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

“When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

“Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.

No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded.

Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.

Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?

I don't know.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

“When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

“Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they're not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or--such is the pleasure they experience--they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It's all a question of how I view my life.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn't sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Don't listen to the malicious comments of those friends who, never taking any risks themselves, can only see other people's failures.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Really important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Profound desire, true desire is the desire to be close to someone.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“but something always went wrong, and the relationship would end precisely at the moment when she was sure that this was the person with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. After a long time, she came to the conclusion that men brought only pain, frustration, suffering and a sense of time dragging.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.”
― Paulo Coelho

 

“Human beings can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Dreaming is very pleasant as long as you are not forced to put your dreams into practice.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“The Marquis De Sade said that the most important experiences a man can have are those that take him to the very limit; that is the only way we learn, because it requires all our courage. When a boss humiliates an employee, or a man humiliates his wife, he is merely being cowardly or taking his revenge on life, they are people who have never dared to look into the depths of their soul, never attempted to know the origin of that desire to unleash the wild beast, or to understand that sex, pain and love are all extreme experiences. Only those who know those frontiers know life; everything else is just passing the time, repeating the same tasks, growing old and dying without ever having discovered what we are doing here.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“But if I don’t think about love, I will be nothing.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“What made you fall in love with a prostitute?”
“I didn’t understand it myself at the time. But I’ve thought about it since, and I think it was because, knowing that your body would never be mine alone, I had to concentrate on conquering your soul.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“I need to write about love. I need to think and think and write about love-otherwise, my soul won’t survive.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Sometimes life is very mean: a person can spend days, weeks, months and years without feeling new. Then, when a door opens - a positive avalanche pours in. One moment, you have nothing, the next, you have more than you can cope with.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“...and that, in the end, the most interesting people always leave.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“He said something like that:
“In all languages in the world, there is the same proverb: ‘What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over.’ Well, I say that there isn’t any ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress and forget. If we’re far from exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them.
At the end of the service, I went up to him and thanked him: I said I was a stranger in a strange land, and I thanked him for reminding me that what the eyes don’t see, the heart does grieve over. And my heart has grieved so much, that today I’m leaving.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“The roller-coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it’s taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it’s mountaineering; it’s wanting to get to the very top of yourself and feeling angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“I'm not a body with a soul, I'm a soul with a visible part called the body.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

a man doesn't prove he's a man by getting an erection. He's only a real man if he can pleasure a woman. And if he can pleasure a prostitute, he'll think he's the best lover on the block" -Nyah”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Love one another, but let’s try not to possess one another.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“You experienced pain yesterday and you discovered that it led to pleasure.You experienced it today and found peace.That's why I'm telling you:Don't get used to it,because it's very easy to become habituated:it's a very powerful drug.It's in our daily lives,in our hidden sufferings,in the sacrifices we make,blaming love for the destruction of our dreams.Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it's seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or se-denial.Or cowardice.However much we may reject it,we human human beings always find a way of being with pain,of flirting with it and making it part of our lives.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“A writer once said that it is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone's mind is love. What nonsense! The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin.”
― Paulo Coelho

 

“She wasn't a victim of fate, she was running her own risks, pushing beyond her own limits, experiencing things which, one day, in the silence of her heart, in the tedium of old age, she would remember almost with nostalgia - however absurd that might seem.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“She was doing it because she had nothing to lose, because her life was one of constant, day to day frustration.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“If you want to achieve your objectives, you have to be prepared for a daily dose of pain or discomfort. At first, it's unpleasant and demotivating, but in time you come to realise that it's part of the process of feeling good, and the moment arrives when, if you don't feel pain, you have a sense that the exercises aren't having the desired effect.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose;

A time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“...you only know yourself when you go beyond your limits”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Does a soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? no, he goes in order to die for his country.

Does a wife want to show her husband how happy she is? no, she wants him to see how she suffers in order to make him happy

Does the husband go to work thinking he will find personal fulfillment there? no, he is giving his sweat and tears for the good of the family

And so it goes on: sons give up their dreams to please their parents, parents give up their lives in order to please their children; pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only LOVE..”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“I love you', though, were three words she had often heard during her twenty-two years, and it seemed to her that they were now completely devoid of meaning, because they had never turned into anything serious or deep, never translated into a lasting relationship.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“She wants to drink that man too, and then she can forget forever the cheap wine that you gulp down and that makes you feel drunk, but always leaves you with a headache and an empty space in your soul.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“I've realised that sometimes you get no second chance and that it's best to accept the gifts the world offers you. Of course it's risky, but is the risk any greater than the chance of the bus that took forty-eight hours to bring me here having an accident? If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself. If I'm looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre loves out of my system. The little experience of life I've had has taught me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion - and that applies to material as well as spiritual things. Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever (as has happened often enough tome already) finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them.
And if nothing belongs to me, then there's no point wasting my time looking after things that aren't mine; it's best to live as if today were the first (or last) day of my life.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“That's what the world is like: people talk as if they knew everything, but ifyou dare to ask a question, they don't know anything.”

“I think that perhaps we always fall in love the very first instant we see the man of our dreams, even though, at the time, reason may be telling us otherwise, and we may fight against that instinct, hoping against hope that we won't win, until there comes a point when we allow ourselves to be vanquished by our feelings.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending she had seen in films and read about in books. A writer once said that it is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone's mind is love. What nonsense!
The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin.
Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person's whole life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair. Yes, perhaps love really could transform someone, but despair did the job more quickly.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“While most of humanity was scrabbling for a piece of bread,a roof over their head and a job that would allow them to live with dignity,Ralf Hart had all of that,and it only made him feel more wretched.If he looked back on what his life had been lately,he had perhaps managed two or three days when he had woken up,looked at the sun-or the rain-and felt glad to see the morning,just happy,without wanting anything,planning anything or asking anything in exchange.Apart from those days,the rest of his existence had been wasted on dreams,both frustrated and realized-a desire to go beyond himself,to go beyond his limitations;he had spent his life trying to prove something,but he didn't know what or to whom.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

 

“That the truest experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes