The Bare Bones of Truth...

Truth itself is such a relative term, I dont pretty much know how to comprehend it. It makes me sound like a petrified little baby panda seeking asylum from human cruelty . I suck at a vast number of things i.e. as little as making a cup of tea. Truth is like layers of transparencies lay recklessly upon each other, its consistency ...runs out by the hour. It's liquidity ...like liquid, like transparent water yet in so many layers....truth it is !
When someone close tells me of my own misery, I realize what kinda lie I virtually live in ... like the sick mediocre performance, my own misery. Some say I should stop punishing myself, Some say I should rather punish myself more and some just say- the truth, bare truth....that seeps down the flesh and muscle ; into the bone and past it; it dries up blood, replaces it with colorless & odorless liquid ; only to form a jelly like membrane which may, may not be preamble .
I dont know how to react any longer
I wish I knew...
I dont know how  to live anylonger, apart from the fact that I'm running behind nothing but nothingness...more void...more darkness. A cold dark room full of nothingness.... 'his' nothingness.
How will I even live? it'll dissolve my whole purpose of living ...
Probably I'll punish myself till I can, probably I must isolate myself and start going insane. Probably I'll try to be alive...yet I'm unsure of my own existence, his existence...my own certainty and certainity itself !
After all, it was me !!!

Lui and Tui

Lui and Tui are 2 people that fight everyday over everything.Lui and Tui love each other so much that they  cant sleep without making up. And here's a conversation -

Lui- I'm going to Budapest Tui, I'm so happy . I think you must apply there too and we'll go together.
Tui- no, you go ahead. I'll watch you grow .
Lui-  Umm..no tui no..i cant even think of a day without u . Im not going.
Tui - go Lui, u deserve ur future more than me.

9 years later...
Lui and Tui got married. They were happy as ever.
one day...Tui's dad asked Lui

Dad - hey lui, i always wondered how could u and my son stay happy ? why did u leave ur perfectly growing career, u are a star of tomorrow, why are u here my child ?
Lui - Dad, because i've loved ur son, for this long. My carer will take a good shape, do not worry but how would I get Tui back. I'm here for Im his best friend, his wife. I dont know why am I here, I just love being around Tui .

Tui - she's pretty, i love her for she does her duty well. Keeps me happy. yeah, she's good to be my homely woman
Lui and Tui are 2 real people talking in future, in an unreal situation.
I think, this wont happen yet I dont know why did I write about it.

Anant Kaare ...

it's all so mushy at first, the bride;her bridal expressions;her bridal clothes;her bridal ornaments;her pale pink face;her fair hands designed with dark matter ...all so beautiful;her eyes that gleam of those tiny dreams;her feather soft hair;the kaliras that cling; the people in 10kg extra weight of clothes;the groom turns ever more good looking from nowhere,probably he's been through parlor sittings and then....phere!

they sit, he chants....chants and keeps chanting
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they stand up, walk around granth sahib
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bow down to granth sahib
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walk again
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then red liquid on her fair forehead,a string of tiny black beads with a couple of diamonds....
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then followed by touching feet;smelly feet :P
then crying, more crying......buuahahahaa....mummmyyy...make up melting !!
then going home, another home, a new family, a new life and everything new...
I'm not sure if i'm petrified of this whole thing but ...it's like scary yet nice. I dont know if i can imagine myself in it or not but for now it scares me much

The 'not so special' yet special

Growing up is nothing special, growing upis just about forming a harder cover over ur emotions,
yet there's a special feeling when u hug dad after a bubble of stress bursts into tears.
There's nothing funny in laughing about 'nothing' yet funny when a best friend laughs with u .
It's not surprising when a lover expresses his love, yet surprising when he gets upset and says with a baby face ' u mean everything to me , u pig !'
I dont know what's special, yet so special .
I love my life, and the people in it .

Stung !?

there's confusion, mind boggling confusion
college? that didn't seem like a big deal was suddenly making me mad .
what to do, where to go?
Back home or Back track? Law or More than law?
psychology could make u go crazy sometimes, 1500 words and a paper can definitely make u crazy & to add to it, a crazy lookout for work .
it was draining me out, it was straining what wasn't meant to be....fights happened, fights that drowned in silent silence.
when I honestly asked myself, i went speechless . I had chosen this, it was my ultimate dream after 2 extra slog years of schooling; all hail to board switch.
who was i to blame? dad or destiny ?

The Upsetter

Sometimes, breaking under the pressure is like crime ; it hurts the person u've prevented it from reaching. Sometimes, falling weak is sometimes the grave most sin committed .
Too many 'sorrys' and too many 'i love u' rent out its value yet how could I say that I missed u without these words when i can't hug u and cry falling flat in ur arms. I wish I could come down the very moment to u and fall on my knees and make a promise to never break under the pressure and never hurt u but how I wish I just could do it and make u understand that I love u and cant live without ur presence and this isolation of urs is driving me nuts. I wish i could turn things around, just by an inch.
Sometimes, I feel like being there and trying to explain that I dont mean to bugg u but I talk so we communicate better because distance is killer. I just hope

• u've had dinner in time
• that u woke up in time
• that ur okay 
• that ur safe
• that ur missing me the way I do
• that this doesn't affect our relationship

• that our love stays the same and i'd do anything to keep it alive. 

I hope, I really hope u can forgive me....because I mean it when I say that I won't do it ever again . I'm 'Sorry'
I hope distance is erased quicker than I can think of, I wish I can fix things back to as they were.

Now I own a Valentino

Dark stormy morning, it was 7 am....time for the sun to rise and shine away yet ,it was dark today, bewildered kind of dark. It had rained all night.
The best part about rain is, it sinks all the noise in it; it sunk my sulking in it. It was a day for love, in the memory of St. Valentines .... : /
I felt so apart from 'us' that day, i felt so not special for being ur girlfriend, i hated to even be alive and see that day ....it scraped me .
And finally, when U become busy, i decide to calm down and not be worried....yet walk back to u in bed with my signature giggle.
How can a man I've barely known for 2 years make me fall for him head over heals ?
now I couldn't own a Valentino bag that often nor a Gucci that often, I'd rather call you and talk for an hour and maybe smile for another 4 hours after that.
Smile was costly, very costly !
So did that mean,after u left the Valentino would walk back to me ? I'm not so sure ....actually it wont.
I'll miss making coffee in half my dead sleep more often than that super sexy bag ....that bag will bore me someday and u wont .
I need u, not for being the best husband or father but to smile and laugh with me till I'm 10 feet below the earth , dead and slowly gone !
I need to be there when I want to go for a typical punjabi wedding and have all the fun and still laugh madly , I want u to be there when u see ur reflection in an infant that came from u ....I want u to smile to tears and still laugh foolishly yet madly...like always...like forever 21. Like 'us' ...
All I need is u and ur love; everything else shall follow ;)
 

That's how we loved ?

A while ago, i was in love. Deep crazy rosy love. And then we meet, we talk , we kiss, we sleep...
One fine day - 'we are best friends , arent we? '
'yes we are' thinking, how can a guy and a girl be a couple if they aren't best friends.
" i don't know if i love u ? i dont know if i want u ? im ...omg i dont know "
" what do u want? u want me to go ? what is it?" said losing all the patience
' noooo, i love u but i'm not sure of u '
" dont worry , i'm with u. calm down....ur just scared. chill ;)" said she, scared yet assuring

i don't know if i can love again, u will go soon...like u say, ur not sure. maybe u won't. I dont know ! Im not sure if i'll love anybody else like I've loved u , but trust me ....I will love u if u stay ; Or else ....
as i write in my diary - i will wilt away, die ...slowly...painfully....with the same belief  that love hurts , breaks and u can never be happy in it ! it's leaves nothing but ruins !! 

if u stay- i promise a future u wont regret  and if u dont - well then u dont deserve me ....u need to be a man to deserve a woman like me .

Being 'Me'

Away and apart of many million girls, I'm one such millionth girl. I'm not Big Rich Brat nor am I a princess by heart. I'm just an ordinary girl with some ordinary dreams, some ordinary wishes and some ordinary reasons to live - to work and be independent, to be a good mom , to make a house look like home. These dreams are far more downward than ordinary; they aren't having a BLING-ful life or a super sexy man , they are just what I could least wish for.
When I was a little girl, I thought life was simple yet i was confused in my own theories. I grew up to be an ordinary girl, chubby and silent ...had no talent and wasn't allowed to express either. I don't know who to blame, mom and dad ; their busy lives; the place or simply luck ?
I was made to feel like a princess but trust me, being ordinary is better. You don't have over protective parents, telling you to not do that and do that . It's irritating.

As I grew up in my teens, I realised how ugly was reality; how irritating was everybody and how naive was nobody . I've been blindfolded to numerous million things; family wasn't a beautiful part , it's a handful or crazy people u learn to love despite everything they throw at u ; friends ? oh I'm not sure they even exist anymore; freedom? In my part of the world, freedom is nothing but being a slut ....gosh ! really ?  i couldn't believe when mom said it and I realised she was one woman who will never understand me till I'm old . i didn't know half the girls my age are sluts because they can hang out with friends,join and maintain a gym routine, get to the spa and relax,have lunches and dinners at other places than home , have a social network i.e. social life , events to attend, courses to do , gadgets to buy or simply expressions to make ?

I know I make it sound horrible, such a bitch of a daughter I am ....am I not? well, truth isn't sweet.
What do I ask for, that makes me such a bitch of a daughter? 
I ask for novels to read, new gadgets to buy, coke &coffee to replace all my bitterness, movies to watch alone, art to explore ; to learn to be independent or just live up my art of writing ?
Does that make me a bitch ? an un-wanted one?
"your books and your technology is a waste of money , go study ! "
"what is so special about Ur writing anyway ? go study ! "
"coke and coffee ? seen yourself? fat woman that u look like ! I'm sic of you "
"it wont make a difference if u don't watch that movie, it's soon be on TV"
"Ur f****ing art costs money ! realise that ?"
"what will u do learning gymnastics anyway ? go study, u failed that test "
these are his expressions . Expressions that murdered me within, murdered my dream of being 'me' .

>What harm does it do to have a couple of friends?
it does , to them it's a grave sin .
PS : i just have one friend, it's a 'male' and I don't know if that makes me a slut .

> what harm does it do , to ask for ur freedom if ur 18 years old ?
it does, to them ; it's being a 'slut'
PS: i want to go away for college and stay in a PG accommodation

>what harm does it do, to buy a new gadget that attracts me ?
it does, to them its a waste of money
PS: i wanted a laptop,my old one is too old to work properly now.

> what harm does it do to be me?
it does,it makes them feel I'm out of control
PS:
Dear 'they'
I'm sorry regard to this way because its shameful to call u parents that way and i can't disrespect love. I know I'm not the best daughter in the world, i don't want to be one . I now I don't score A grades in everything, but I like it that way. I know i love gadgets , so does it cause lot of money ? maybe ! but it's less than the kind of donations u make. i know i cant have friends, because u don't have any . i know I'm being a slut if i ask to hang out with my friends....it contradicts ur protectionist policy .i know i don't have fabulous figure, but I'm okay with it ....i cant join the gym . i know I'm one bitch of a daughter, but u know what ?
one day , I'll go away and never come back, one day I'll stop chirping, one day I'll be a better parent, one day I'll have anything I've ever loved; from my favourite shoe to my favourite gadget, one day I'll walk freely on the streets of Manhattan and nobody will stop me , one day I'll have lods of friends and hang outs , and u wont get to say a word , one day I'll write 100 great books and u wont have a word to mouth, one day - I'll breathe to be 'ME'
I just wish that one day arrives before I give up on myself.
its not that i love u any less, just that i cant connect to u anymore...i don't adore u anymore and now i think i want to be away .
Now I think, I'm not needed anymore.
PS : have i ever complained when u forget my birthday , abuse me harsh, tell me to die, dis-trust me, call every random man i speak to; my boyfriend ? Do i ever complain when I'm hurt and hug walls and pillows to cry because to u my pain is worthless, do u fail to notice my eyes red? my voice tone low and heavy ?
I've never complained, i will not.
it's time, I leave
Dasvidaniyan !
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Between Silence

a certain silence , awkward silence .
the kind when an under aged girl goes for a pregnancy test,
when her man turns his back on her, the deafening silence . 
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it was bullied silence, victimizing .
the silence that followed, anything could happen
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void filled that room, he sat by her side....holding her hand;firmly as if he was assuring her
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positive,and some more silence seeped in, in her tears, in the hug
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it was frightening for him, his compulsively verbalizing woman
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soon, the catastropic silence, disrupting silence ; it ended !

i repeated from the book - “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever”
― Nicholas Sparks

 and he, pretty witty,pretty mart; repeated -


“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life”
― Nicholas Sparks