Summer : Scars

Summer in the international context esp. American context is considered to be the summer break of mostly about 3 months or more . Often , people travel to their home land in such long breaks, go on vacations to some islands or just do summer things. Summer things are not the normal routine things, they are a little fun, a little tiring and a little memory from childhood.

But summer for me always came in a lousy mood, slow slog days, boredom and just a lot more stupidity . It's not something I will remember from my childhood. In fact, I will not remember anything from my childhood because to remember those remembrances , they must be worth it. I'm not trying to sound sad or pitiful but I'm putting an out right statement over the years of my silence. The silence to prove that I was an ideal daughter. Now I see people grow out to become musicians or basket ball players and I wonder - why not me ?

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anaïs Nin

 

It's not that these will last forever, they will just be till they're in university or school yet it is a kind of undue pain I can barely forget till date. 
This is just an emotion, it won't last forever . It will just go away in a while, probably after I finish writing this post tonight..yet, that darkness is somewhere in the corner of my conscious.
Little things, like playing with the neighbors' kids, having the cart ice cream, shopping for my own clothes, going for birthday parties while in 6th grade, going for casual hangouts with friends, wearing trendy clothes, getting a gift for an A grade in math, family new year celebrations, a wipe for a tear and so much that I've missed out in my childhood. I dont remember a single day I was content . It was an Imperfect Childhood, full of stupid rules, discipline and etiquette. It's all nothing but a ruined tender age. You may still learn discipline when you grow older, does childhood come back ? I guess not !!

It's easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you'd be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often then not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Acheron 

  Then it's nearly that I was a teenager, the unlikely teenager. I never created ruckus  in the house regarding the color of my skin, the shape of my eyebrows or the kind of clothes of I had. I accepted, respected all decisions and did the student things i.e. study, obey your parents, do your homework, say namaste to all oily uncles and aunties and never trouble your parents.
I had a fault, I never made a lot of girl-friends but I made lot of guy- friends; does that make me a bad person? After living in a multicultural society and studying in a coed school all my life.
My mom got pissed at me at our shopping dates for not buying anything. But little did she know, that by this time, I had lost interest in all such fancy things. They didn't attract me like they did to any girl . I still did practice make up in the most exquisite manner of art , made friends , tried to understand my family for not being all that bad, and some more accepting. I always said to myself, that one day I will have my freedom to do whatever I like but then my family wont run behind me like they do now. I should just be silent and obey them , love them for who they are and behave .
As time passed, things got worse, being upset was my normal form of mood . My mom believed it to be my actual self. I made no friends, I lost all social life, I struggled to perform and most of all I struggled to get out of just one confusion - what was the real face of that family I loved. Do they love me? don't they love me? Am I just some random girl or am I not the very ordinary girl ? What is happening? Is this teenage ? or Am I losing my mind?

Today, I stand at the edge of my teen years; towards the end of my teenage and now I know that U must believe everything but trust nothing . I have learned  that my parents are of an orthodox mind and their punishment tightens each time I stand to voice out my rights .
I've learned that I have no right to come out of silence, I've no right to wear any make up apart from a lip balm, I've no right to wish for things like other other kids do, I've no right to be social.
My summers are utter boredom, pain and misery . I sleep and wake up ; repeat and long for some randomness.People say you must remember good memories, what must I remember ?

“Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain.”
― Bob Dylan 

All I deserve is to be silent even if the worst evil happened right before me. I must forget that I was a human being with life inside me ; with flesh and blood and a soul . I must just remember, that my place is right there; next to the most unwanted beings who must learn to cry bitterly  and prove each day that they're sane.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Kennedy

I don't remember a single night in the last 3 years when I've gone to bed without tears soaking my pillow or waking up without the soaking ceremony . I don't remember hanging out with a friend apart from buying house groceries. I don't remember if one day passed when I didn't cry bitterly till I dropped of exhaustion. I don't remember smiling wholeheartedly even once in a very long time.  I just remember , that I'm an Indian girl of a orthodox family and I've no right to be happy till I'm married I suppose. That I'm a girl, who has been crying bitterly every weak moment and trying to prove that she's sane to herself.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”
― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

Can I just ask one question to all those strict parents out there, don't your daughters have flesh and blood; don't they have a soul; don't they ever wish to be 'happy' ?
Is it their fault that they were born to be females? Or is it their fault that you didn't want them ?
Don't you ever understand their yearning ?
Are you even humans anymore; who gave birth to these tiny creatures once upon a time?

what for are you strict; to end up your own children in a mental asylum ?

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou