As I walk through the aisle of bussling college , I realize that I walk on millions of shattered peices of glass like objects. I see myself, losing balance, losing sight , losing the ability to breathe and I dash on the floor ... THUD!
It's as if my head is going to splinter, the world to my sight was black and I could hear sirens like pounding drums. Never in my entire life had I been so exhausted and dead on a stretcher wheel. My husband came running from work, worried to what had happened to his dear wife, his turbulant little woman who loved in extremes . He brushed his manly hands over my head and said "wake up Kiran, please wake up ; i know u hate me right now but dont leave me here , all alone. Wake up kiran. "
I opened my eyes and meakly said "Did u think I died without scratching ur silly face ..."and giggled to his affectionate eyes.
Few hours ago ...
"why don't u get it Amit, I dont want to live like this , ur work is driving u nuts and why are u screaming at me ...please I can bear this , I'm going to bed "
'Kiran , beacause u've lost all ur good sense; ur driving me nuts for god's sake shut up when I say I don't want to talk about anything "
" oh I see, so all this while u were just pretending that u were happy with me and all ; doesn't it make u happy that finally we can be parents ?"
"not really, do as u wish...just leave me "
"I will "
and I left the room is tears and anger. I shut myself in the other bedroom and filled a couple of water bottles for the night before I took my sleeping pills .
I just slept on till I woke up again and had a pill and went back to sleep. The following day Amit got the door unscrewed to check if I had died or something for this was the limit of my upset behaviour . I had been dealing with a number of issues and reality was so harsh, I just wanted my husband to know I loved him despite all of this - I was just annoyed and I needed the space to get over the agony of losing a child .
3 months ago ...
"amit I feel uneasy, please get me some water. "
"I'm too tired , please not now"
"okay, sleep"and kissed his forehead before moving my large tummy and myself into the stairs leading to the kitchen.
I walked carefully and spilled water after losing balance from my satin gown.
"uggh"I sniffed like an angry mumma dog .
I stepped onto the water spillage without realizing I had turned for a backward fall and on my tiny baby .
It was excruciating pain at once before I died out into exhaustion and slept. My husband slept until he heard not from me but his thoughts of where his wife was making no noise. He came sleepily into the living room and ran on the first sight of me wrapped in liters of blood. My face calm, with no expression for childish pout. He carried me to the emergency and hugged me ; tirelessly chanting "come back Kiran, come back please"
......
The scar left me devastated for I was told not be expectant of a child until long , my body wasn;t healing and I felt a constant need for sleeping pills to even sleep for an hour.
My lovable husband moved on very quick, I needed his time , his space and his tight hug but this incident had brought us closer than apart. I was petrified for the only thought that my marriage was falling apart ; I had loved this man too much to let him go . ..
Present day ...
I had stopped eating and sleeping properly since the time our distances had grown , I was just trying to punish myself . And finnaly, the punishment had some end , some pain and some outgrown child .
I had to telll myself that my husband was just there , but I had to move on from brooding and finding solutions . I had to meditate and keep calm, as his ideal wife ; his family's daughter in law and his soulmate who engulfed everything but not reacted sorrowfully . I just want to go back again to my loving family, my husband , myself for another start , just one more time again . For I know, if I die...I can never be in peace until i've loved my family enough .
It's as if my head is going to splinter, the world to my sight was black and I could hear sirens like pounding drums. Never in my entire life had I been so exhausted and dead on a stretcher wheel. My husband came running from work, worried to what had happened to his dear wife, his turbulant little woman who loved in extremes . He brushed his manly hands over my head and said "wake up Kiran, please wake up ; i know u hate me right now but dont leave me here , all alone. Wake up kiran. "
I opened my eyes and meakly said "Did u think I died without scratching ur silly face ..."and giggled to his affectionate eyes.
Few hours ago ...
"why don't u get it Amit, I dont want to live like this , ur work is driving u nuts and why are u screaming at me ...please I can bear this , I'm going to bed "
'Kiran , beacause u've lost all ur good sense; ur driving me nuts for god's sake shut up when I say I don't want to talk about anything "
" oh I see, so all this while u were just pretending that u were happy with me and all ; doesn't it make u happy that finally we can be parents ?"
"not really, do as u wish...just leave me "
"I will "
and I left the room is tears and anger. I shut myself in the other bedroom and filled a couple of water bottles for the night before I took my sleeping pills .
I just slept on till I woke up again and had a pill and went back to sleep. The following day Amit got the door unscrewed to check if I had died or something for this was the limit of my upset behaviour . I had been dealing with a number of issues and reality was so harsh, I just wanted my husband to know I loved him despite all of this - I was just annoyed and I needed the space to get over the agony of losing a child .
3 months ago ...
"amit I feel uneasy, please get me some water. "
"I'm too tired , please not now"
"okay, sleep"and kissed his forehead before moving my large tummy and myself into the stairs leading to the kitchen.
I walked carefully and spilled water after losing balance from my satin gown.
"uggh"I sniffed like an angry mumma dog .
I stepped onto the water spillage without realizing I had turned for a backward fall and on my tiny baby .
It was excruciating pain at once before I died out into exhaustion and slept. My husband slept until he heard not from me but his thoughts of where his wife was making no noise. He came sleepily into the living room and ran on the first sight of me wrapped in liters of blood. My face calm, with no expression for childish pout. He carried me to the emergency and hugged me ; tirelessly chanting "come back Kiran, come back please"
......
The scar left me devastated for I was told not be expectant of a child until long , my body wasn;t healing and I felt a constant need for sleeping pills to even sleep for an hour.
My lovable husband moved on very quick, I needed his time , his space and his tight hug but this incident had brought us closer than apart. I was petrified for the only thought that my marriage was falling apart ; I had loved this man too much to let him go . ..
Present day ...
I had stopped eating and sleeping properly since the time our distances had grown , I was just trying to punish myself . And finnaly, the punishment had some end , some pain and some outgrown child .
I had to telll myself that my husband was just there , but I had to move on from brooding and finding solutions . I had to meditate and keep calm, as his ideal wife ; his family's daughter in law and his soulmate who engulfed everything but not reacted sorrowfully . I just want to go back again to my loving family, my husband , myself for another start , just one more time again . For I know, if I die...I can never be in peace until i've loved my family enough .
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