My heart is whole

It is hard to be me these days and I can say this because this an excerpt from where my soul is.  I don't know why anyone would read what I write, I'm probably a crappy writer anyway but every story must be heard before it dies with the storyteller. Like mine. 

About 2 years ago, my child died for a person who could care less about anything that was to do with people who loved him. About 9 months ago, another woman died and it was because of the same man. Can you imagine how he must live so peacefully with so much innocent blood on his hands? 

It is audacious of me to write this today because my culture, my hippocratic culture and values don't permit me to be this person, a bad girl ! 

I was in a relationship for 7 and half years and I spent every ounce of my being to loving this man but either god or he had a different plan that this man decided to leave. I think it was because of me. I think that I couldn't be a good human being (but let's talk about that later). I was in love when I nearly died because of this man 14 times, I was in love when I became a chain smoker, I was in love when I gave up my friends, I was in love when I believed I cheated or I deserved to be beaten up. I was in love with every abuse, every tarnishing, every little gesture of love and manipulation that came my way. But when he left, I died with my heart broken and today I am going to bury her. 

Let's face it, it is hard to be a bride and pretend to be a virgin when you are not one, to have experienced motherhood or domestic life without a marriage. It is difficult to explain to your husband that you didn't want to end that relationship, be this person or not be married to your ex spouse. Little will he understand given the indian patriarchal society's hypocrisy. I will tell you dear future husband, if you do the same things to me then I will leave and find my life again. I did this time and I will do it again. 

Because the truth is, I wanted to be married to my ex, I didn't want domestic violence, I didn't want to be used and I didn't want to have a heart so heavy that I wished never to wake up again. I can't help it if he wanted to use me as mule or he left. I tried to stop him, trust me. 

I have tried to find many many ways of living a fuller, better and more satisfying life but I end up paying 50 pound sterling for drugstore makeup that I may never use. So I wanted to cope with my emotions or my life (I think), I tried to use denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (Kubler-Ross Model). It doesn't always work. He is everywhere you go, every movie you watch, every time you visit a place , every song you listen to and you taste them like blood in your mouth, in you heart. 

I decided to accept that I must have cheated, I must have been bad in bed, I must have been a bad cook and a bad girlfriend for so long that forgot who I was. I believe I am going to be like this, a bad spouse who cooks, cleans, fucks and has no real emotions because she is a sex seeking cunt. I am going to be someone lonely because I don't want to be betrayed, I am going to be a bad mother because I can't protect my children and my soul will always bear a black mark. 

A girl who was 14 years old fell in love can't be responsible, mature and not make mistakes. She shouldn't be compared to your mother, she shouldn't be lied to and of all things - it is okay to make mistakes. Young people make mistakes, it is a way of life. Don't paint them all the same colour. I am not sorry for being a bad indian girl who should culturally be condemned with the worst kind of punishment. And the funniest part is, I haven't slept with anyone since I became single, I practice religion, I am healthier than ever before, successfully became a size 12 ( I don't have a skinny girl body frame) from size 24,  more alive and fun. I am everything he wanted me to be, just without him.   

 I am sorry I am giving up so soon.  I am actually tired and no it is not going to be okay. Nothing is changing my broken heart and yes I am going to sulk or even die because I have lost a spouse. Nothing can be worse than this, no pain or life experience. 

My story is extraordinary, my love was too while I renounce every pleasure and innocence I once held ( I still want to go back but ...). Died aged 21, will be cremated aged 61 and ready to be married away - My heart is whole today. 

Merci, 

Sonia