Friday, 23 March 2012

One Cold Night

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”
Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

Today, even though I'm in a vacume that can put you through a lifetime suffering , it makes me suffer when I see you ruining yourself . And today, I regret every minute of that night , every minute of hope I had from you ; every minute and shingle of hope . I regret that night when I believed you . But I know my feeling for you and my love was chaste, I could protect you if  Ihad to protect you from fire by covering you ; despite the knowing that we'll burn in the end. It's okay to protect your intermost self, because you know that keeping a poker face will give you an upper hand over me. But what right and moment do you deserve to gamble with emotions - your emotions , my emotions and everyone else who closely loves you. For once, say it out fearlessly , without the thought of consequence - I'm sure that's what you need to sometimes do when you have hurt somebody to scrape their soul away .
I feel like screaming in pain, I feel like suiciding but can I do that? Am I allowed?
You win; I lose .Now please forgive me and let me breathe .

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

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